Don't worry about the things you can't control

I have to remind myself that it is a waste of energy everyday to worry about the things that are beyond my control. This goes for everything in my life. Once I've turned in a paper for school, I stress out about the grade. In my field as a mortgage loan officer, I worry about my clients being approved by the underwriter. When it comes to people in my life accepting me and liking me I worry... worry... worry... and want to CONTROL! When I was in my last bad relationship I wanted to know where my boyfriend was and wanted to know his friends. If I wasn't a part of it it worried me because I wanted to control it. I am such an absolute control freak. I do not like things being out of control at all. I like routine. If I don't get my routine I am crabby. Is this because of my adoption? I never saw the correlation before but after I've researched more, it makes sense. I just wish I didn't stress out so much and could take things as they come. That seems impossible to me. Ever since I was young I had a plan: Graduate college at 22, go to grad school, get married by 26, have babies by 28. Everything all had to go according to plan. Maybe that's because my life started out not being able to choose. Who's life really goes according to plan? Life is made up of all sorts of little surprises. A friend said to me last night if you want to make God laugh tell him about your plans. I haven't heard from my birthmom in a couple of weeks and this is when I get stressed out. I can send numerous e-mails but it doesn't make the response faster. Once I get an e-mail from her I feel a sense of relief until I write again and it turns into the waiting game all over again. I wonder if she thinks about me and analyzes our situation/relationship as much as I do. I don't think it's possible...ho hum....

Flashback

It was March 2005, and my cell started ringing at approximately 10:30pm. I jumped, and my heart dropped because it was a (515) area code which only meant it was my friend calling with news about my birth mom. I was too scared to answer. I was frozen with fear. As my message light on my cell phone started blinking, my heart started palpitating and my hands started to sweat. I was really freaked out and I didn't know what to expect. I listened to the message she said, "Stacy, call me when you get this as soon as possible!"
I knew she had news. Good news? Bad news? I didn't know. So immediately I called her. The first thing she said was..."Well I know why you aren't having luck finding your birthmom"
I swear I thought she was going to say that she was dead. Then she said, "It was because I was looking for the wrong name. All along I had my birthdad's last name on my adoption paperwork which still baffles me. She said she talked to her mom, who knew my birthmom when she was pregnant with me. She went to a doctors appointment with her once. This is when reality set in that my birthmom was a real person and not just a figment of my imagination. She went on to say that she was a devout catholic so she didn't believe in abortion, she was very artsy, and she had big eyes. When she said she had big eyes, my heart stopped. One small part of my puzzle was complete. My big puppy-dog eyes have always been my trademark. Where did I get them from? I finally knew! She gave me her full name, and this is when my search began. I've covered most of the search in my other blogs, but right now I want to think back to the emotion I was feeling when it all began. As I sit here in the same spot where I wrote my original letter to my birthmom I remember exactly how I was feeling. Nervous, excited, curious, in shock, confused but more than anything I was plain obsessed and anxious. I was obsessed with the fact that I could be rejected. I was consumed with this feeling all the time which fed into my anxiety on a daily basis.

To Reject: To refuse to accept, submit to, believe, or make use of. To refuse to recognize or give affection to, or To discard as defective or useless; throw away.

Wow that sounds pretty harsh, but like I've said many times I want and need to be accepted. I'm not going to say the fact that I was adopted means that I feel as though I'm useless. As I have been reading Primal Wound there are many parts that I do not relate with. It says how many adoptees feel like they are only good enough as the losers and stoners and don't aspire to be anything. Maybe it's because I am a compliant adoptee or something, but I do want a lot for myself and for my family. In one of my first letters to my birth mom I told her I was all grown up. I don't need a mom anymore but this is what I do need in my life right now.

I need emotional support, I need someone that will not judge my imperfections, I need someone who will listen and empathize, I need someone to love me unconditionally, I need a mentor, I need a friend.

I hope someday this role will be fulfilled. I have faith that my goal of establishing that relationship someday will be accomplished. I'm going to keep being myself, and letting her know I love her. That's all I can do. I just hope I don't give up out of frustration and hurt.

Impact

I haven't been feeling very insightful lately which is why I haven't been writing. Sometimes I don't want to think about the fact that I'm adopted. I just want things to go back to per se "normal" but that will never happen again. I will have to adapt to a new normal. Looking back at my life though I never thought adoption was a big part. I always thought I had a so-called easy life with caring parents. Everything my birthmom could have hoped for. I am on myspace and am reconnecting with old friends from my past. This is what my friend had to say. We haven't talked probably since 6th grade and this is what she remembered about me!

I saw your name and my first memory of you I have is a group of us went to the bathroom in 4th or 5th grade and someone said something about adoption, like it was a big secret. You were washing your hands and tipped your head back carelessly and were like "well I'm adopted." And we were all like ".....really?" And you're like "yeah, so?" And proceeded to dry your hands and walk out of the bathroom with such class :) Then whoever was the prima donna of the group (maybe that girl Valerie whose last name I can't remember but wore make up in the 5th grade!!!) goes "oh well I guess it's okay." But I just remember thinking "she doesn't care, why should we? It's not that big of a deal."

The first thing I find interesting about this comment is how brainwashed I was at the time growing up. I didn't actually understand what adoption was or meant. I understood I had a birthmom but I didn't understand at the time the ramifications this caused in my life. It's so funny how at the time growing up I thought it was "no big deal", but now when I found my birthmom and dad I realize just how emotional and what a BIG DEAL it is. In a way that bothers me that people DON'T think it's a big deal. I think my parents still think along the same lines as I did when I was a child. "eh, she is adopted" No big deal. She never knew her birthmom so what difference does it make? Well, it IS a big deal. It's a HUGE deal. The fact this happened to me made a huge impact on my life. It has changed the way I view relationships, the way I connect with people, and even how I see myself. It has affected my self-confidence, and also has increased my feelings that every person I care about is going to abandon me. I always need reassurance, and always have to know that people like me. I do not like rejection at all. It hurts me to my core. Even slight disagreements with people hurt me because I don't want to make anyone upset.

Secondly, what I find interesting about that comment was that apparantly adoption was a big enough deal where I brought it up all the time. It did affect me, and I think deep down it bothered me, but not actually on the surface. Not until later did I understand the significance and the fact I actually have another mother out there. To me, it was always a concept, but not a reality it my life. Now, it is a reality. Now I realize how big of a role the fact that I was adopted played in my life. I mean geez a girl I haven't talked to in over 15 years remembered I was adopted. I think that says something. It sure never was a secret when I was a kid... I wonder why it's such a taboo discussion with my parents and family now. Afterall, it DID happen to me. It's not a secret and it would be nice if someday SOMEONE in my family would acknowledge it. A Girl can dream, can't she?

What do I want? What do they want?

Most days I feel like I'm a tight rope walker and I could lose my balance and focus any minute. I'm trying to keep everything in line and keep everyone happy...but this happiness doesn't include me. I feel like I'm the one that has to suffer so everyone else can be happy and comfortable. The thing is that I know what I think I want, but I don't know for sure. It's scary. I want to be close with my birth mom, but how close is too close? . When we first met, I thought it went so well, and was so comfortable and nice . I had a new job where I was making quite a bit of commissions and wanted to save up and take her and her kids (my sibs) to Disney world. Those were the thoughts that were going on in my head. I was thinking about how I would balance Christmas with my family and the holidays with her. I was brainstorming as to what I would buy my half-siblings. Well....we haven't talked on the phone since September so I really don't see any of that happening anytime soon. I think a lot of the reason we don't talk on the phone because it is still nerve wracking. I talked to Chuck-daddy on Wednesday and although it was a nice conversation, it doesn't feel as "safe" as the computer. I think this is how my birth mom feels. There are so many days though that I want to just type her up an e-mail whenever I have a thought and wish we could e-mail back and forth throughout the day. Nothing big, I don't need drama in my life- or thought provoking chatter basically I just want to see how her day is going. So when it comes to my birthmom I don't think I could get too close to her. Then, I think when I feel Chuck-daddy is crossing my boundaries I start getting a sick feeling in my stomach. I wonder why? Is it because I have a good relationship with my dad and I feel disloyal to him? My first gut instinct felt the same way. I was really freaked out. I liked him and thought he was a nice person, but at the same time it was this weird gut feeling. It's really hard to explain. Maybe it's because I've always yearned for my birth mom and not him. My heart was always receptive to finding her. She sent me a picture of the two of us in reunion and I framed it and put it in a picture frame that had "mom" on it but when he sent me a card stating I was his daughter I got upset. I guess we never really talked about what I prefer to be called and he just started calling me his daughter. Before I found him, he said people would ask if he had a daughter and he would say yes. That is just strange to me that everyone knew about me and I had no idea. I just wonder if the tables were turned and if my birthmom found me. How would I feel? I am trying to put myself into her shoes. If I was found I probably would be freaked out, but I would slowly warm up to the idea. So...I don't want to bombard her. I decided to protect myself I am going to give her as much as she gives me. I really wanted to spoil her for her birthday, but she didn't acknowledge me at X-mas time so I didn't. I just don't want to shower her with attention and love if she's going to feel uncomfortable about it and unappreciative. That is a rejection to me, and it hurts. I don't want to chase her away, and I think I easily could. Then I think to myself, what if I get what I want. We have a great relationship, I meet my sibling, and extended family what do I tell my parents? If they would just be supportive things would be much more easy. I'm constantly living a lie I feel like or an alternative life. Which one is real? They are both so different. The world I've always known is gone. When it comes down to it, all of us in our worlds including adoptive parents, adoptees, and birth parents- the common demoninator is that we all want and need love.

People just don't get it.

After all I have been through this year: The shock, confusion, grief, sadness, and fear I wouldn't change it for the world. I guess I am full of a lot of complaining lately on here just because I don't like to complain a lot to my girlfriends. I was talking to my co-worker the other day about how I think I found my cousin's birthmom! I am so excited for her. My coworker is not very sensitive about this issue, and says some things that she just doesn't understand. For starters, she said You would want to put her through everything you went through already? Well if I had the choice to do this all over again I would do it in a heartbeat. It's been rough, but with anything in life that is such a huge change- ie: moving, having babies, getting married, graduating there is a time to grieve and adjust to your new life. How could I NOT do it or search? That's what I wanted to say. For me, it wasn't an option I had to find my birth mom and I knew I would someday. She was/is a part of me and always will be. It is true as it is with many people that I gave up many times and thought I would forever but I really believe everything happens in the right timing.

So anyways, I did some poking around on the internet and I think I might have found my cousins birth mom. Honestly, maybe a small part of me is doing it for selfish reasons too because I want to be able to experience this with someone I am close to. To be able to talk about our feelings because she is in my same family. She will understand. The other part of me is VERY happy for her, and I hope it turns out for the best. I feel in my heart that it will. Another thing my coworker said that really pissed me off was she thinks my parents shouldn't have told me I was adopted so I wouldn't have to go through all of this grief. Do people really think this way? Wow! I was just in shock. She thought what I didn't know wouldn't hurt me. Well, it just would have magnified my sense of NOT belonging and I would have thought something was wrong with me growing up. Why don't I fit? Why don't I look like anyone in my family? I can't even imagine. It was like acting as though my birth family doesn't matter, they don't really exist and I am not a part of them. It really hurt me actually. I am who I am partly because of my birth mom and Chuck-daddy. I think a lot of people are affect by the environment a great deal, but I think I inherited more of my traits from my birth family than my a-parents. I used to think the other way around. I just think the ignorance of people sometimes is frustrating. Many more bad things would have come out of my parents not being honest with me, so I am very thankful they were truthful about this.. Most people just don't understand, do they? Ugh!

I wanna throw up

I know this is a weird title, but this is how I feel. This journey sometimes makes me want to throw up. That's how I've handled my anxiety lately. I didn't think it had to do anything about meeting my birth parents until I really started to think about it. Honestly, I thought my anxiety came from my stressful job, but I have stress in my life all the time. Since I was 5 years old I've been a little stress ball. I've been doing great lately when it comes to managing my anxiety then I talked to Chuck-Daddy on Wednesday. All of the sudden, I've been light headed at work, and feel like I'm going to throw up if something the least little bit stressful happens. I feel like I want to throw my hands up in the air and quit my job. I just can't do it! I can't concentrate. I can't problem solve ARRRGHH!!!!! This is very unlike me, and I hate this feeling more than anything. I am a person who thrives on stress. I know that might sound odd, but although my heart is thumping and I don't know what I'm going to do in the moment, I sorta like being stressed out. Not lately though. It makes me really sad because Chuck-daddy is a great guy, but I feel this whole experience is a source of my stress. I want to be healthy and take care of myself, and I really don't want to back away from him but I hate this feeling. Maybe if I keep blogging and letting it out it will help me. I hope so. So I think to myself, what is causing worry? Well, the fact that I am being tugged in many different directions and am supposed to wear many different hats in my life. It's incredibly exhausting. Sometimes its to the point that I don't really know who I am. I've lost myself. I want to be close to both of my birth parents, but at the same time there are boundaries. Chuck doesn't seem to think there are any. I'm plugged into his family as if nothing happened in the past. He's just my dad and that's how it is. But the fact is he gave up his rights to parent me and the fact that he is trying to take on that role bugs me. He's getting all the perks, but he never raised me. I think it's because my dad took care of me, and still does. He did all the dad things that they are supposed to do. He is very unselfish and works around my schedule as well as I work around his. I always have to call Chuck and it's always at a convenient time for him. My birth grandmother passed away, and I made sure he was OK (it was his mom) but he didn't check in with me to see how I was coping with the loss. That is what a dad does. If he was my "dad" he would make an effort to come down to Texas to visit me, or call me, but he doesn't so I don't think he really has the right of that title. That might sound insensitive, but everything is on his terms. It makes me angry, because he could have fought for me, but he didn't. It makes me angry that my parents don't want to learn about this part of my life. It makes frustrated that most people can't understand what the hell I'm going through and I can't articulate it to others. It makes me scared that my life will never be normal again and I will always be anxious, and feel like I never truly belong anywhere.

Letter from birthmommy!

Well, my birthmom was the first person to officially wish me a happy birthday! I was so happy that she remembered and acknowledged my day. It was a very sweet letter, but I don't think I should post it just because I want to respect her privacy. I have been getting a lot of comments lately that I should be honest with my bmom so I decided to respond back to her e-mail letter her know how I really feel. (good things not bad) I didn't want to lay it on too think...but since I have to go to bed now...I will just cop out and copy and paste tonight! Good night!




As I am sitting here staring at the computer screen, I find it difficult to find the right words to express how I feel. So, I will talk straight from my heart because that is what I am best at. How do I say, "thank you" to you? There is no way that I can fully express my gratitude for everything you have done for me both past and present. Not only for giving me life, wanting the best for me, but for accepting me into your life. You are an amazing woman!! I admire you so much and I am so proud of you! I am constantly impressed by how you manage your life, and how much you accomplish every single day. It seems impossible to me.

Thank you for not turning your back on me and allowing me to receive the love that I need from you. I've always felt that missing piece, but ever since you have come back into my life I feel a sense of peace, and fulfillment. You really have shown me what is important and I am so glad that I took the risk that I did in reconnecting with you. The beginning of our journey was scary beyond belief, and sometimes it still is. I have moments I feel insecure, need reassurance, feel like I'm losing my mind (just kidding about that one) but, I have grown so much throughout this process and I am thankful that you have been there to support me, and give loving advice along the way. Everything that you say to me, I cherish and carry with me. I know that you have put a great deal of thought behind it, and really care. That means a lot to me...probably more than you realize.

Please know that you are a very special part of my life and always will be. Although I was raised by other people, no one could ever replace you. Thank you so much for the picture! I loved it so much, and I'm glad I have something to remember such a wonderful night. I know you probably went to a great effort to get that developed, but you made my day very special. Of course I save all of your e-mails! I have a folder just for you that is titled "hot mama" and ever so often I'll go back and read what you have written me over the year. Knowing you has brought so much clarity and happiness into my life. I know this probably hasn't been easy for you. Just know that you are loved, respected and cherished. Thanks for letting me be my true self! In your very first e-mail to me you mentioned that it was in God's plan that I was raised by adoptive parents. I have no doubt that it was in His plan for us to meet again. I'm just glad we did! Hope you have a safe trip to Oregon. I hope you are able to relax and not worry too much. I love you.

With love and gratitude,
Sweetie-Pie

Another birthday...

It's April 2nd and my 26th birthday is officially tomorrow. For some reason around my birthday I always start to reminisce or think about the things that I haven't accomplished yet.(eg: getting married, having kids, buying a house) This birthday is an interesting one because it's the anniversary that I found my birth mom. I remember last year exactly at this time, I had written my birthmom my first letter, and sent it to her work e-mail, March 31rst. I hadn't heard anything back for a couple of days, and I felt scared, anxious, nervous and guilty. Scared, anxious and nervous because I thought she wouldn't want anything to do with me. Guilty, because of the search itself, and my aparents had no idea what I was doing

That Saturday night, I went out to eat with my aparents and the whole time I kept thinking about my birthmom. Wondering what she thinking, if she would write and what she was doing. Tonight, was no exception. On a lighter note, I had a great night with my aparents, my boyfriend Chris and my aunt and uncle. We went out to Benihana's where they cook all the food in front of you and flip it up in the air for entertainment. For some reason lately I have been thinking about my birth parents constantly. You would think after a year it might settle down, right? Well it definitely comes in waves and I have noticed myself wishing I could be around them during holidays mostly. Chuck-daddy said he sent me a present in the mail which I thought was really sweet. I was surprised being a guy that he thought to send me something. I honestly thought he would forget, so I feel special he remembered me! We used to talk weekly on the phone, and now I haven't talked to him on the phone since January. We e-mail 3-4 times a week, which I think is a lot so for the most part I feel secure, but I just miss him and wish he was sharing my birthday with me. Since he was there on my very first birthday it seems appropriate. I really feel like he's my family. We have a special song, "My girl" and there was a wedding reception going on tonight and they played that song. I felt like for some reason it was a sign. I'm not sure what the sign was, but it just made me miss him and think about him and how much I appreciate him in my life. He really is an amazing person and we have a wonderful connection that I would honestly be lost without.

As many of you know my aparents are in town, and my amom came to clean my apartment for the week, because it wasn't the way she liked it. She is very obsessive compulsive to say the least. I must say, it is nice but I know it's going to be impossible to maintain the way she has it. I almost cried today and this is absolutely ridiculous I know-- but she was going through all my stuff. My birthmom had given me a bouquet of flowers the first time we met and around the vase she had these cute multi colored ribbons. I liked it because it reminded me of how artistic and creative she was. I kept them around the vase because I wanted to keep everything she gave me. My amom threw the ribbons away. I know it's a really trivial thing, but to me it was a memory. Something tangible that I had in my house to remind me of my birth mom. I got really upset, but I couldn't tell my amom why and just acted like it was no big deal but I felt really sad. I guess this birthday go around is the same as last year, because now I am hoping my birth mom will acknowledge the day. After all, she did last year so I am hoping she will at least send me a quick e-mail letting me know she's thinking of me. I just know how I am and if I don't hear from her I will be sad. I'm scared I will not. When will this feeling of insecurity go away? I wish I didn't have it, but I need so much reassurance. I have many more thoughts especially since I haven't written all week, but it's getting late and it's daylight savings time so I better get in bed. All in all I survived the visit with minor annoyances here and there. I would say not having to do any laundry tomorrow could be worth some of the annoying lectures I got this week. More to come tomorrow.