Impact

I haven't been feeling very insightful lately which is why I haven't been writing. Sometimes I don't want to think about the fact that I'm adopted. I just want things to go back to per se "normal" but that will never happen again. I will have to adapt to a new normal. Looking back at my life though I never thought adoption was a big part. I always thought I had a so-called easy life with caring parents. Everything my birthmom could have hoped for. I am on myspace and am reconnecting with old friends from my past. This is what my friend had to say. We haven't talked probably since 6th grade and this is what she remembered about me!

I saw your name and my first memory of you I have is a group of us went to the bathroom in 4th or 5th grade and someone said something about adoption, like it was a big secret. You were washing your hands and tipped your head back carelessly and were like "well I'm adopted." And we were all like ".....really?" And you're like "yeah, so?" And proceeded to dry your hands and walk out of the bathroom with such class :) Then whoever was the prima donna of the group (maybe that girl Valerie whose last name I can't remember but wore make up in the 5th grade!!!) goes "oh well I guess it's okay." But I just remember thinking "she doesn't care, why should we? It's not that big of a deal."

The first thing I find interesting about this comment is how brainwashed I was at the time growing up. I didn't actually understand what adoption was or meant. I understood I had a birthmom but I didn't understand at the time the ramifications this caused in my life. It's so funny how at the time growing up I thought it was "no big deal", but now when I found my birthmom and dad I realize just how emotional and what a BIG DEAL it is. In a way that bothers me that people DON'T think it's a big deal. I think my parents still think along the same lines as I did when I was a child. "eh, she is adopted" No big deal. She never knew her birthmom so what difference does it make? Well, it IS a big deal. It's a HUGE deal. The fact this happened to me made a huge impact on my life. It has changed the way I view relationships, the way I connect with people, and even how I see myself. It has affected my self-confidence, and also has increased my feelings that every person I care about is going to abandon me. I always need reassurance, and always have to know that people like me. I do not like rejection at all. It hurts me to my core. Even slight disagreements with people hurt me because I don't want to make anyone upset.

Secondly, what I find interesting about that comment was that apparantly adoption was a big enough deal where I brought it up all the time. It did affect me, and I think deep down it bothered me, but not actually on the surface. Not until later did I understand the significance and the fact I actually have another mother out there. To me, it was always a concept, but not a reality it my life. Now, it is a reality. Now I realize how big of a role the fact that I was adopted played in my life. I mean geez a girl I haven't talked to in over 15 years remembered I was adopted. I think that says something. It sure never was a secret when I was a kid... I wonder why it's such a taboo discussion with my parents and family now. Afterall, it DID happen to me. It's not a secret and it would be nice if someday SOMEONE in my family would acknowledge it. A Girl can dream, can't she?