The Truth
It's really hard to express the way that I feel. For starters, I'm tired. I'm tired of smiling. That sounds bad doesn't it? Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not tired of being happy. I love smiling, laughing and joking around. I'm just sick of having to be fake with everyone to keep everyone happy. It gets really old. I guess it just seems easier to act happy, because if people were constantly asking, "What's wrong?" That would get tiring too. At work, I'm known as the "giggle-box." Most of the time people percieve me as a happy, bubbly, even perky (ugh I hate that word) person on the outside. Since most of my time is consumed at work, I feel as though half of my life (more so) I have to be fake. I have to be fake with my birth mom. Just like everyone else, I have to act as though I'm happy when I'm really not. I don't want her to feel guilty or make her feel bad about giving me up. I have to say, "Wow what you did was a noble thing and I had the best life ever!" I want to protect her, and let her know she made a good choice. I want to let her know I am grateful for what she did, which I am (to a certain extent)...but the truth of the matter is, I am hurt, and I am grieving. I am grieving for the life that I never had the opportunity to have. I am grieving because deep down I feel as though we'll never have the chance to have a motherly/daughterly bond that I so desperately need. I try to be close with my mom a-mom, but it just doesn't work. Bottom line is that I really want love from her, but most of all I want a close relationship. I just feel like something is missing. I just wish she really wanted to get to know me for the woman I am today. I want to be able to share our feelings- Our true feelings...not just the feelings that I think she wants to hear and vice versa. That is when a true, deep relationship has been established. I can't force it, and I'm not going to try. It's hard to be the one who wants more. It's hard to be the one who compromises what they really need. At least I have something, and for now I guess that's what I'll have to savor. I'll leave on this note: This was an excerpt from the first letter she shared with me. In a way this gives me some sort of peace. ”.
"Every child is wanted by someone. You were meant to have the life you were given for a very specific reason, and the fact that it was adoptive parents who raised you was all just part of God’s plan. I hope you will be edified to know that there were never any other options considered. Life indeed is a gift, and I sense that you understand that."
Life indeed is a gift, and that's what I need to focus on. At the same time, I want to be truthful and focus on what I think is real and honest as well. Finding each other after 25 years was also part of God's plan. I wonder what else is in store? Time will tell.
posted by stacy @ 2:35 PM
6 Comments:
oh boy. i hurt for you. i know that hunger, the desire, that confusion, that pain. i wish could help.
i know all about grieving. i greive for the lost love I had with my daughters father, i grieve for the 17 yo girl I was and the girl i never got to be, i grieve for the loss of my daugher. i grieve for her and any pain her adoption caused her.
lots of grief here too.
big hugs.
I love reading your blog. I kinda feel like maybe I wasnt there for you as a friend as much as I should have been- regarding your adoption and all the feelings you had about it. I guess its just really hard to understand when you havent gone through it. I just want you to know that reading your blog has really made me understand you more and I want you to know Im hear to talk if you ever need anyone to listen. Also, I wish we could get our friendship back on track.
My son has always told me about what a wonderful, happy life that he had growing up. And of course I would never wish less for him.
Like Kim though, I wish instead he would tell me that it mattered that I did not raise him. Maybe that is something he'll never be able to tell me though.
I don't want to hear that giving him up was the "right thing" and that he is grateful. It was NOT the right thing in my opinion - it was very wrong. Why should he feel grateful? I was/am his mother and was supposed to raise him. Why should he feel grateful that I gave him to strangers?
All I want is the truth - good or bad - I want honesty. I hate that "God's will" routine - does God really hate some mothers that much? No, we did it, not God. If your birth mom mentions God as she does though, I personally see that as a rationalization. Maybe that's what she needs to believe - to survive. Deep down in her heart, I bet she knows better.
You deserve to be able to share the truth with your birth mom. Hopefully that happens for you. Relationships build on the truth are much stronger and more satisfying.
Cookie- Thank you for your comment. I didn't see it until today. I would LOVE to be honest with my birth mom more than anything, but I'm afraid my honest could and will scare her away. I don't know how she would take it.
I used to say the Gods will stuff all the time, it was to protect me from myself and my feelings becasue I wasnt ready to deal with having to admit it was a mistake, that it should have never happened, saying that line kept me in denial just a little bit longer.
I would be willing to guess that your mom would love to hear the truth and we are a lot harder to scare away than that, although i understand your fear. I wonder how much she says because she thinks its what you need or want to hear? Maybe she is afraid you might be scared away if she doesnt go along with what has always been said?
My feeling is though that as she opens more felings those thoughts will change, i know for me getting into the grief of the loss of my son made me wake up and question everything I had told myself.
I used to say the Gods will stuff all the time, it was to protect me from myself and my feelings because I wasnt ready to deal with having to admit it was a mistake, that it should have never happened, saying that line kept me in denial just a little bit longer.
I would be willing to guess that your mom would love to hear the truth (and we are a lot harder to scare away than that, although I understand your fear.) I wonder how much she says because she thinks its what you need or want to hear? Maybe she is afraid you might be scared away if she doesnt go along with what has always been said?
My feeling is though that as she opens more feelings those thoughts will change, I know for me getting into the grief of the loss of my son made me wake up and question everything I had told myself.
Just a few thoughts i wanted to share.
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