Enjoy the journey not the destination
Sometimes I feel like I'm a freak. I feel like everyone around me can enjoy life, have fun and take things as they come. Not me... I have to plan out every little minute detail of my life to feel safe, secure, and functional. What doesn't make sense is that fact is although to a certain degree you can plan out your life as far as getting a college degree or picking a facet of a career you want to go into, that's about all you can do. Life throws a million curve balls at us and we never know what is going to happen. I used to have a timeline: Finish grad school by 26, get married around the same time, begin a stable careeer, start having babies by 28-29 and live in a white picket house neighborhood, with a pool and BBQ every 4th of July. Wow... was I naive or what. I wonder why it was/slightly so important to me to know exactly where I'm going to end up. I really like the quote enjoy the journey not the destination. I'm striving to be able to do that. I don't know where these control freak tendencies come from. This is something I have to figure out for myself. What will happen if I just let go and not worry about what will happen in the future? I have never tried that before. I have always lived in the future. Before my long-term boyfriend and I broke up I lived in the future. We didn't have sex at all. He wanted to wait until he was married and I respected that. He never wanted to spend the night, because he couldn't sleep well with me. He wasn't able to open up or share his passions. Most of the time he didn't want to spend time with me. I thought well when/if we get married all of those problems will be solved. I am not happy now, but in the FUTURE I will be. So 4 years later, we break up and I was not happy in the relationship. Now, switch it around. I have the most bad-ass boyfriend ever in the world, but my heart has been broken so many times and I am so fearful of rejection I fear it won't work out in the future even though things are so wonderful right now. What does this have to do with adoption? Maybe a lot. Maybe the fact that I didn't have that control over the decisions that were made about my life. I just know you can't control anything that happens, but you can control your reactions to them. So I need to sit back, relax and enjoy this thing we call life!