Overwhelmed
I can hardly believe a whole summer has flown by. As I sit here and think about that, I realize that my reunion occurred just about a year ago. I met my birthmom Sept 4 2005. I had so many hopes and dreams after our reunion. I remember the night I met her I couldn't sleep because I couldn't believe I had met the person I had only dreamed about. I honestly couldn't believe she really existed. It's still such a surreal experience. After all this time I still think...did that really happen? I have a picture of us framed together and I still can't believe I am standing next to the woman who gave birth to me. It freaks me out. After a whole year though, I have to admit that I am let down, and sad. It reminds me of me and my exes relationship. When we first met there were so many sparks, I couldn't believe I met this special person-- and then it just stopped growing, fizzled out and became stagnant. I fear this is happening with my birth parents. In order for a relationship to be strong, I know you have to work on it. I am sick of putting in all of the effort. I don't think its fair that I am the only one to initiate phone calls, and e-mails, and even trips. I know I am an adult, but I am the one feeling insecure. I am the one who wants to be loved and accepted. I am the one that was left behind. I also fear though if I don't make that effort our relationship will die forever so I will take what I can get even if it's not enough or what I want. I did get a letter from my birth mom yesterday. It always puts me in a weird mood when I hear from her. I realized that she could pretty much do anything to me and I'll still want a relationship with her for right now. Why do I take that from her? More than anything, I just want her to WANT me in her life. She admitted that she felt lonely and isolated in her life. I don't understand this, because so badly I want to be close with her. I want to do mother/daughter activities with her. I also don't think she realizes how special that is. I never hang out with my amom. I don't want to. I love her, but I don't like her. We don't click. I told her if she needed anything I was always here, but I know nothing will ever change. That's why I haven't been writing because nothing will ever change I fear. Even Chuck has been distant. I just think its hard to integrate yourself into a new family because it is so emotionally draining. On another note...my old office colleague pissed me off again talking about adoption. How I am a spoiled rich kid because my parents could afford to adopt me. She was like didn't they pay your birth mom 30,000 to give you up. Wow, that enraged me! I am a human being, not a commodity. Some people just don't get it. Can you tell I'm a bit frustrated tonight? Maybe I'll be in a better mood tomorrow. Until next time....
posted by stacy @ 9:55 PM
9 Comments:
I have reunited with my daughter, and it sure isn't easy. The reason your B.Mom isn't keeping contact is because she doesn't want to intrude. It took me a long long time before I got it. My daughter and I stopped talking for a year, and then I realized she was the one making all the calls, and doing everything. Now I call whenever. If I was you I would send her what you posted in the blog. It is very difficult to find a spot in this type of relationship. I have known my daughter longer now then not, and we still have difficulties. She needs her space, and her A.Mom is jeolous. I want to be in her life full time, but I realize that is just too much for her. So we have reached a stage where we are like sibblings, is the best way to describe it. Unconditional love, and being there for one another when needed. Just like family.
Keep being the one to put forth. Invite B.Mom out, and keep asking. Your relationship is still very new. She doesn't want to interfere with your life, I have been there. She needs to know that you want her to intrude and interfere.
Good luck, you are now leaving the honeymoon period of your relationship. It is worth the effort to keep it going. Someday there will be grandchildren.
Grandma Linda
I have reunited with my daughter, and it sure isn't easy. The reason your B.Mom isn't keeping contact is because she doesn't want to intrude. It took me a long long time before I got it. My daughter and I stopped talking for a year, and then I realized she was the one making all the calls, and doing everything. Now I call whenever. If I was you I would send her what you posted in the blog. It is very difficult to find a spot in this type of relationship. I have known my daughter longer now then not, and we still have difficulties. She needs her space, and her A.Mom is jeolous. I want to be in her life full time, but I realize that is just too much for her. So we have reached a stage where we are like sibblings, is the best way to describe it. Unconditional love, and being there for one another when needed. Just like family.
Keep being the one to put forth. Invite B.Mom out, and keep asking. Your relationship is still very new. She doesn't want to interfere with your life, I have been there. She needs to know that you want her to intrude and interfere.
Good luck, you are now leaving the honeymoon period of your relationship. It is worth the effort to keep it going. Someday there will be grandchildren.
Grandma Linda
I understand this frustration well. My bmom's distance has nothing to do with not wanting to intrude, she is just selfish. I'm sorry the effort you put forth for your relationship is so one sided. I agree with you sometimes you just have to know when enough is enough. They just don't understand that what we are offering is a gift that shouldn't be squandered.
Hugs.
as a mom in reunion, i can say what you want an adoptee, i want as a mom. i relate. i am now pondering just pulling back. seems like i am the only one that wants a relationship.
big hugs.
Hi...I'm new here. I'm an adoptee that was reunited with my birthfamily a couple years ago. I never got to have any kind of a realtionship with my birthmom b/c she passed away a month before I found her (which I have big issues with...I could have found her before then if it weren't for the adoption agency I was dealing with...) Anyway, I did find my birthfather too, and he is alive and well, and I have half-siblings from that side. They all live very close to me, and yet, we are having issues with the whole boundary thing. His kids knew nothing about me, and I don't think they really know how to deal with me...and it's not like I was ever given a manual about how to handle it. But like you, we don't talk that often, and it's just kind of fizzled out. Part of it is me, part of it is them. I've talke dto other adoptees who have gone through the same thing after they've been reunited.
I like your blog, and I'll be back to visit 4 sure!
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