I wanna throw up

I know this is a weird title, but this is how I feel. This journey sometimes makes me want to throw up. That's how I've handled my anxiety lately. I didn't think it had to do anything about meeting my birth parents until I really started to think about it. Honestly, I thought my anxiety came from my stressful job, but I have stress in my life all the time. Since I was 5 years old I've been a little stress ball. I've been doing great lately when it comes to managing my anxiety then I talked to Chuck-Daddy on Wednesday. All of the sudden, I've been light headed at work, and feel like I'm going to throw up if something the least little bit stressful happens. I feel like I want to throw my hands up in the air and quit my job. I just can't do it! I can't concentrate. I can't problem solve ARRRGHH!!!!! This is very unlike me, and I hate this feeling more than anything. I am a person who thrives on stress. I know that might sound odd, but although my heart is thumping and I don't know what I'm going to do in the moment, I sorta like being stressed out. Not lately though. It makes me really sad because Chuck-daddy is a great guy, but I feel this whole experience is a source of my stress. I want to be healthy and take care of myself, and I really don't want to back away from him but I hate this feeling. Maybe if I keep blogging and letting it out it will help me. I hope so. So I think to myself, what is causing worry? Well, the fact that I am being tugged in many different directions and am supposed to wear many different hats in my life. It's incredibly exhausting. Sometimes its to the point that I don't really know who I am. I've lost myself. I want to be close to both of my birth parents, but at the same time there are boundaries. Chuck doesn't seem to think there are any. I'm plugged into his family as if nothing happened in the past. He's just my dad and that's how it is. But the fact is he gave up his rights to parent me and the fact that he is trying to take on that role bugs me. He's getting all the perks, but he never raised me. I think it's because my dad took care of me, and still does. He did all the dad things that they are supposed to do. He is very unselfish and works around my schedule as well as I work around his. I always have to call Chuck and it's always at a convenient time for him. My birth grandmother passed away, and I made sure he was OK (it was his mom) but he didn't check in with me to see how I was coping with the loss. That is what a dad does. If he was my "dad" he would make an effort to come down to Texas to visit me, or call me, but he doesn't so I don't think he really has the right of that title. That might sound insensitive, but everything is on his terms. It makes me angry, because he could have fought for me, but he didn't. It makes me angry that my parents don't want to learn about this part of my life. It makes frustrated that most people can't understand what the hell I'm going through and I can't articulate it to others. It makes me scared that my life will never be normal again and I will always be anxious, and feel like I never truly belong anywhere.