Spring Break
Well,I guess it's not really a real break for me. I sure miss college! I'm in graduate school and did get a WHOLE day off from school,(woo hoo) but that just meant I worked extra hours at work. Lately I have been surprised by myself, because I knew I had a lot to say about adoption but all of the sudden all of these thoughts just started coming to me and I became flooded with emotions. It has been a very exhausting, emotional week but I feel like I am getting it out. I appreciate all of the comments and support. I really feel like some people understand these feelings and it's great to have a place to express it where I know people are nodding their heads with understanding rather than just empathy. Although my emotions run deep, my reunion experience has been something I am thankful for and have learned a lot from. One thing I wish I was better at was being honest with my birth mom. I just don't want to step on any toes, or scare her away. I feel like if I tell her exactly what I need she'll think I am unstable and clingy. Like I have said before, because of my fear of abandonment many times I can come on too strong. I have grown in many ways, but I am just a very emotional passionate person. We have been corresponding for about a year now, since my birthday on April 3rd. I had no idea where our reunion would go or even if we would meet in person. Things started out slow, which I was thankful for because I was so scared. We wrote e-mails back and forth weekly and I would get very excited whenever I received something from her. It would seriously consume my day. I could spend hours on one e-mail and it would pages and pages worth. I really feel like we connected through our writing. I also feel like everything happens for a reason and this is when I receieved a wedding invitation from my friend in VA (where my birth mother lives) This was an excuse to go out there and reunite. She was receptive towards it, and I really wasn't surprised and I felt as if our relationship was moving forward. She even said she was ready to move forward with our relationship. Then, it was like something clicked and she backed off a lot. She is very busy, and has told me from the very beginning she has a full life, but it still makes me feel that when she met me something freaked her out about me. I'm not sure if I should be more patient or what I should do. The fact that our relationship has hit a plateau is frustrating. I really would like to meet my extended family, and am scared I'll never have the opportunity. That goes back to the sense of belonging. I know I'll never belong totally belong but meeting more family members lets me understand more about myself. I was surprised when I met Chuck-Daddy's mom I was so much like her. I invest a lot on my relationships. I am the type of person that has a few really good friends, but not a lot of acquaintances because I put so much energy towards deep relationships and maintaining them. So its hard to have an e-mail relationship every once in a while with someone I want to know so badly. It hurts sometimes, and I'm hoping someday she will be open to moving our relationship in the direction I want it to go. Sorry this is such a weak post tonight. It's been an exhausting week.
posted by stacy @ 9:21 PM
3 Comments:
whoa, baby, this is so NOT a weak post. Gosh, i could totally relate only from the mom side.
I can only speak for myself but know that I feel the EXACT same things you do. I really do. The fear, the anxiety, the stress, etc.
My daughter and I have not met, have not spoken on the phone. I have not suggested it since when we first reunited last year she made it very clear she did not want to meet YET. So I dont suggest it. But then I worry if she wants me to? What would she say? I am afraid to come right out and ask - and then be told no. I am afraid.
I have NO idea what she feels when she gets my messages. She never tells me feelings, she never comments on adoption, last she told me "it was not part of her life and not a big deal". Since it is part of my life and well, is probably the biggest deal in my life, I have a hard time understanding that. But again, I dont challenge or push her.
The crazy thing in all this is here I sit, wanting more. There you sit, wanting more. Why can't the gods align the wanting adoptees with the wanting moms? Why does this have to continue to be so hard? Huh?
Big hugs. Keep writing.
I know this is an old post I'm responding to, but I hope you get it. I just found your blog, and boy did I need it! You are wonderfully open and honest, and the way you describe yourself here sounds a lot like me.
I found my son in January, 2012. He was totally surprised, as he thought I had died long ago. He's 44 now, a grown man with one divorce behind him and a new marriage coming up in August. We have not met in person yet, but I'm going to Boston in July to see him. I am so excited.
I feel like suz sometimes though. At first it was like the floodgates opened for both of us. Lots of openness, lots of emotion and love. Now I don't get the frequent phone calls and not many emails either. I don't want to crowd him, but I go crazy when I don't hear from him. I know all this takes time, but I want so badly to feel "normal." Maybe I never will. I have three other kids (one adopted!), and I feel secure in my relationships with them. (The story of my adopted son is too long to go into here. Bottom line, we're getting along well these days.) I feel sick with love for David, and I know that intensity is not healthy if it goes on too long, but I can't seem to get a handle on it. I'd love to hear how things are going for you now.--
I'm so grateful for this blog. I know its old but it is still helping others.
I'm on that roller coaster. And so is my son. He is 46. I found him 6 years ago but he didn't want to know me then. Two months ago he wrote me and now would like to meet. I was so excited. I told my other children about him, and my friends. He's only an hour away. I tried to plan our meeting with him. But now he's not answering my emails. I suppose he is feeling panic, and scared. I understand the feelings because I am too. I'm afraid I'll lose him again.
I'm really hoping this will work out. I thank suz and Pam for their experiences. You all help me.
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