What came first - The Chicken or the egg?

I don't belong. This is the reoccuring theme of my life. Acceptance, this is what I need. More than anything, I want to belong somewhere, feel complete and feel as though I fit in this world. I guess most people think and feel this to a certain extent, but I do feel as though adoptees feel that to the core of their being. Their own flesh and blood gave them to someone else to raise. Peering in at my life from the outside, people would say I am so lucky! Heck, when I was a child, my parents gave me everything I ever could have imagined. I had my own toy room for goodness sake and every barbie accessory invented. (The advantages of being an only child) At the time, I thought it was a benefit, and something to brag about, but looking back I really feel as though my parents were overcompensating for something and in turn was a liability to me. I feel as though my parents don't know me, and I don't know what has made me built up this wall towards them. It started somewhere...so which came first? I don't know when this wall got built up because when I was growing up I never thought much about adoption at all. So I think to myself, did I just shut my parents out because they weren't my biological parents, or did my parents not accept me fully because I wasn't their biological child...or was it a little of both? These are questions to ponder. I know many people say well, a family is made up of all sorts of different people. Step families are very common these days, and many people only have one parent. So perhaps I'm throwing a pity party for myself. I just feel as though my situation is much different than someone having an absent father all their life. At least most people have pictures, or they once knew their parent. I, on the other hand had a piece of paper that had medical information and the rest was fantasy. Which got me thinking, if I constantly fantasized about my birth parents, did my parents have a fantasy child that I did not live up to be? See, my dad is an engineer, a control freak, a numbers "in the box" type guy. My mom is a nurse, a germaphobic, neat, clean freak that is all about an orderly, perfect outward appearance. Sure, I fit that mold when I was young, but then I became real. I couldn't be a stepford wife. My mom would make sure I was in the cutest little outfits with perfect matching socks and bows... I would have the best manners to impress people. I think that is also the people pleaser in me because I didn't want my parents to dislike me or other people. I wanted to conform to their rules because I didn't want to rock any boats, and in a way I am still like that to this day seeking their approval. As I got older however, I stopped caring as much about what people thought of me. If they liked me for me, Great! If they didn't, then it was their loss. I don't know if the approval seeking will ever end with my parents though. One unique characteristic about me is that I am very musically inclined. I do feel that is somewhat of an innate gift. I've always had rhythm and I love to sing. You would think that this would be a positive quality, but in my family this is something that made me stick out like a sore thumb. There is not one person in my family on both my mom and dad's side that plays a musical instrument, dances or sings. At family functions, they would always make me perform and when I was young it didn't bother me, but now it makes me feel different as if I don't belong. It makes me feel like their little "circus freak" that they take around to show off to people about "what she can do" As I process my emotions through my journey I wonder what I should or what I'm willing to change. If I could make things better, how could I do so? It's hard to be myself around my parents because I have put on a facade for so long. I am starting to think that because of the relationship I will never have with my birth mom its something that I need to pursue to become a fully healthy individual but it's so hard. I think all my life I pushed them away thinking that someday I would reunite with my parents and I would just BELONG. Really, it just added another dimension of NOT belonging though. I feel as though I am stuck in the middle. I don't fully fit in with my adopted parents because I don't act like them, don't have the same facial characteristics, or same interests. I don't fit in with my birth families because I am the "new kid on the block" and we can't totally be let our hair down with each other. I guess this is why I want to start a family of my own so much. To have a sense of belonging. I am scared about having children. I can say I've never felt a close bond with anyone accept maybe Chuck-daddy, but I've only met him once. The other thing I ponder is the fact that my A-dad tries to hug me all the time and I feel so uncomfortable. I always have. Right when I met Chuck I didn't want to let go, and really the same goes with Jan. That was a really strange feeling, hugging a "stranger" but feeling more of a connection with them then I've felt in my whole life. Nature vs nuture is an interesting debate. As I go along with my processing, I really do feel like adoption might not be the right answer for everyone. I think with some children it might not matter, but for me it has left a permanent scar, one that I don't know if it will ever be healed. My feelings are difficult to articulate tonight so I guess I will ponder on this a little later.