Now What?

Christmas-time! What a wonderful time of year! The carols, hot chocolate, pretty lights. It just seems as if people are more cheery that time of year. It's just something about the Christmas air. You have a whole month to lead up to the holiday and even still at 25, I still feel a little bit of giddiness! What does Christmas have to do with adoption? Well, it doesn't entirely - but the feelings involved are the same to me. The day after Christmas, I always get very sad. Maybe not sad, but let down. After all the lead up of spending time with family and friends, all the excitement and exhiliration of buying the perfect gift for someone, all the planning and expectations... and then the day after...it's over. Almost as if it didn't really happen. It's back to normal life, and the grind of work. Everyone puts away their X-mas trees, lights and new presents. This is how I felt after my reunion. Now many people don't know this feeling yet because they haven't experienced reunion. I've visited many adoption sites and they always say, "let the rollar coaster begin" I thought to myself, "yah right" I am a stable person, I always have been. Actually I am getting my masters right now in marital and family therapy. I thought I could handle everything. Well...I lived I suppose, but it was a rough couple of months. I met my birthmom Sept 4, 2005 and the visit went great! Four days later I was on a plane to meet my birthdad...that went wonderful as well. So what went wrong? I'm not really sure to be honest. Once I arrived back in Dallas after my trips, my best friend Amanda picked me up from the airport. She was the first one to see me and I told her I felt a sense of peace within because of my reunion. She noticed it as well. For the first time, I felt whole and loved by so many people. I guess with my birthmom I had all these fantasies because our visit went so well, and I wanted her to like me. I started thinking in my head about the trips we would plan together, eventually meeting my half brothers and sister, having holidays together. I just thought that was going to be the relationship we would have. That was my take on things. Well, after I got back from my trip I didn't hear from Jan for about a month. This devastated me. I didn't know what I had done, and I felt so insecure. I know I have an insecurity problem, and all of my life that has turned people off. I have got better, but I know I probably can come off as clingy. I am non-confrontational. I kept sending her nice e-mails, and then I felt as though I was just being a pest. I felt as though everything changed and I didn't know if it was because we met in person and she was ashamed of me or what. To this day, I still do not know. After the reunion, I asked her so now, what? We're still in limbo. I still don't know. That's the honest truth. It's almost like we have a half relationship. We correspond through e-mail about once a month now. Because of this I became very depressed and it affected my work. I quit my job, and all I wanted to do was sleep. I felt like a complete and utter failure in life which was totally unlike me. I was definitely at my breaking point. For a month I cried everyday, and before I left for work I threw up every morning. My parents were very worried about me because they thought my job was too much. Did they ever stop to think that maybe it was because I have found my birthparents? Of course the didn't ask about that. I too, thought it was because of the anxiety I felt at my job, but I think it was from my overwhelming feelings. I felt rejection from my birth mom which was the worst rejection of my life and my worst fear. As time marched on I started to accept the fact I wouldn't be able to have as deep of a relationship I wanted with my birth mother. I guess I am OK with it now. In the back of my mind I still feel like eventually she'll let her family know, and tell my half-siblings. I have wonderful relationships with men, but was never able to form that bonding relationship with a woman. My mom and I butt heads. We are just completely different from each other. Originally I thought I didn't want a relationship with my birthmom , but that's before I got to know her. I think she is a magnificent woman. I look up to her more than anything and I try more for her than anyone else. I know that I take my parents for granted because they've always been there, and that's why I don't try. Not that it's a good excuse, but it's just the truth. I don't think she realizes I am a different person with her than I am with my parents. It takes a lot of effort for me to be totally vulnerable because I have had my walls up my whole life. Although I have felt safe, I've always hid from who I am really am, probably because I didn't fully understand who I was because I didn't fit my parent's mold. I finally let someone see me, but they don't have enough time for me. Maybe I am expecting too much, but I know what I want, and know what I need and I can't help or change the way I feel.