The Rents

When I was a young girl I always thought I was "special" and "unique" because I was adopted. In class, when teachers asked us to introduce ourselves to a partner in class, and tell them one interesting fact about yourself that is usually what I would say. People would say, "Wow! That's so cool. Do you want to meet your birth mom?" I really didn't give it much thought back then, and I can tell you I never thought in a million years I would have ever met my birth parents in person. I thought in a way, they were a figment of my imagination. Some kids wish they were adopted because their family was so weird or so mean..I wish that I hadn't been adopted. They were a fantasy that I built up that when I found my mom she would be so excited, jump up and down and welcome me into her family. Good Ole Chuck-daddy did that, but not her.

Now, in one of my first blogs I mentioned that not every post is going to be happy. Not every part of my journey has been easy. There have been many complications, with twists and turns. In fact, I had to go to therapy for a couple of weeks because of this experience. I feel such a loyalty for my parents, and also such guilt about being curious about where I came from. For an adoptee I just don't think it's fair! It's not our fault, but we're the ones who always have to feel the guilt for a decision that was made for us! People don't understand how much they take their genetic parents for granted because they are always there. They look like SOMEONE, most likely they act like SOMEBODY in their family too. My dad has actually been really open and honest always wanting to talk to me if I had any questions.

In college, they knew I was interested in information on my birth parents and instead of sitting down and talking to me, they visited my apartment and dropped off a magazine that had come to their house. Inside the magazine was my adoption paper work. They never once said one thing about it afterwards. The message that came across to me was that they felt too awkward to talk about it or maybe they wanted to pretend it wasn't happening. The other thing that angered me was the fact that they assumed all I wanted was medical information. Well...that's what I thought I wanted too, but the underlying reason I think many adoptees search is a need to connect, or to fill the void that is there in all of us. I am friends with other adoptees that just never want to search. I do not think there is anything wrong with that, but I think the only reason they do not is

A)Not wanting to hurt their parents
B)Underlying anger towards their birthparents
C)Fear
D)Denial

I was in denial, although I didn't think I was. I don't think it's so much Denial that I was adopted, but I know after I found my birth parents, it became REAL that my parents I grew up with really aren't my "real" parents. It felt like my whole life was fabricated, and not authentic. I know some people get offended by that term "real parents" but that is how I look at it. For me, it really turned my world upside down. Once I decided to search, I didn't tell my parents right away. The search was so sucessful, and went so quickly I wasn't sure HOW to tell them. I decided to write them a letter because they never allowed me to discuss this with them openly and honestly. I actually got the idea from an adoption website and changed words here and there but I thought it was a great starting point. Here it is:


Dear Mom and Dad,

I love you. Thank you for everything you have done for me throughout my life. I need your help and understanding today. After a lot of thought and soul searching, I have decided to search for my biological past. I debated long and hard about this decision. The desire to search is not meant to hurt or reject you. This is not spiteful. You have been there for me since I was born. YOU are my parents. No one could ever take that away.
However, there is a need to find out where I came from, to see someone who looks like me, and know someone that has my talents. If we do not turn our backs to one another, there is a chance that we can become closer.
It is difficult to explain why an adoptee suddenly has a need to search. Each person and each circumstance is different. For some, it might be due to a health condition, while for others, it might be the thought of having children of their own without knowing what they might be facing. For me, it comes down to finding that missing piece that I left in the hospital 25 years ago.
A search is draining, with a lot of time and energy. Luckily, I was able to find both of my biological parents very easily through background checks at my job. The two things that I really need from my parents are support and understanding. I am not asking for money or time, just a continuation of the love that helped me turn into the person I am today.
The two of you have been there for me from the start. When my search is complete, I doubt that all my questions will be answered or the gaps in my soul will be totally filled. You were there for me when I had the chicken pox and strep throat. Please let me know that you will be there this time, no matter what the outcome.
You wiped my tears when I was hurt. Please say that you are alright with this. You will walk me down the aisle when I get married. Walk with me now, into my past. You chose to bring me into your home with love and compassion. Please stand with me when I seek where I came from to better understand who I am today.
This is the toughest decision I have ever made. I love you and do not wish to harm you. Please, do not turn your back on me. You probably do not understand why I am doing this. Neither do I, but I must. My journey will be lonelier if I had to walk this road by myself. I just thought you should know. Thank you for everything you have done for me and if you have any questions let me know.

Your Loving Daughter,
Stacy

My dad, being the good guy he is responded right away. This was his response:

Good morning Stacy, your Mom and I will love you forever. You are our
daughter and that will never change! I am not surprised you want to do
this,you have become a beautiful independent lady. I will talk with Mom
this morning, she always calls me when she gets home from work about 8am. I
do not want this to change anything between us and I look forward to
walking you down the aisle one day! When you asked about this several years
ago I thought we left you with a copy of the information that we were given.
If that will help and you do not have copies let us know. and we can get
you copies again. Your biological parents were attending Iowa State University in Ames, IA."Wife C" had a cousin who helped girls who found themselves pregnant and
that was the connection that brought us together. Stacy, regardless of
how this might turn out we will be here for you! You might need to give
Mom a little time, but you need to know she loves you so much. You can
not know how much it hurt her when we moved to Houston and left you in
Dallas. She have been so lonely!!

Not sure if we will be able to call you today but Mom is off tonight so we
will try to call then for sure.

We love you Stacy
Dad and Mom

Yes it was sweet that he wrote, and a sense of relief for me, but they never called me that night. You might need to give mom a little time? I'm sorry what the hell does that mean? Isn't she the adult and shouldn't they be there with me in my journey? I guess not. It has never been discussed since this letter. My mom has not once acknowledged the fact and this makes me feel as though they are not taking this seriously and are not willing to take into consideration how I feel. I feel I have to worry about them and their feelings and my thoughts are left aside. I am also a people pleaser and am being tugged in different directions. I think about my wedding day, how I know it would be empty without my birth parents there. I know Chuck would come, I don't know about Jan. So the difficult part of my process was compartmentilizing these different part of my life. Since Chuck was hurt by Jan he doesn't like that I bring my experience up with him. My parents won't talk about it at all. My friends listen, but they don't understand. So it is frustrating. Some people give their opinion, about how it's wrong to search and what did my parents ever do wrong to me? NOTHING! That's what people don't get. To me it's the same as being raised by a step-parent all your life but never knowing a blood relative. There is a lack of connection. I've tried talking to other family members and reaching out but EVERY single one of them didn't seem to care less. It's very stange. They are either angry, or just don't think it's a big deal at all. To me, it's a HUGE deal. I just don't get it. Sorry this is such a long post. I guess I had quite a bit to say on this subject!!