Another birthday...

It's April 2nd and my 26th birthday is officially tomorrow. For some reason around my birthday I always start to reminisce or think about the things that I haven't accomplished yet.(eg: getting married, having kids, buying a house) This birthday is an interesting one because it's the anniversary that I found my birth mom. I remember last year exactly at this time, I had written my birthmom my first letter, and sent it to her work e-mail, March 31rst. I hadn't heard anything back for a couple of days, and I felt scared, anxious, nervous and guilty. Scared, anxious and nervous because I thought she wouldn't want anything to do with me. Guilty, because of the search itself, and my aparents had no idea what I was doing

That Saturday night, I went out to eat with my aparents and the whole time I kept thinking about my birthmom. Wondering what she thinking, if she would write and what she was doing. Tonight, was no exception. On a lighter note, I had a great night with my aparents, my boyfriend Chris and my aunt and uncle. We went out to Benihana's where they cook all the food in front of you and flip it up in the air for entertainment. For some reason lately I have been thinking about my birth parents constantly. You would think after a year it might settle down, right? Well it definitely comes in waves and I have noticed myself wishing I could be around them during holidays mostly. Chuck-daddy said he sent me a present in the mail which I thought was really sweet. I was surprised being a guy that he thought to send me something. I honestly thought he would forget, so I feel special he remembered me! We used to talk weekly on the phone, and now I haven't talked to him on the phone since January. We e-mail 3-4 times a week, which I think is a lot so for the most part I feel secure, but I just miss him and wish he was sharing my birthday with me. Since he was there on my very first birthday it seems appropriate. I really feel like he's my family. We have a special song, "My girl" and there was a wedding reception going on tonight and they played that song. I felt like for some reason it was a sign. I'm not sure what the sign was, but it just made me miss him and think about him and how much I appreciate him in my life. He really is an amazing person and we have a wonderful connection that I would honestly be lost without.

As many of you know my aparents are in town, and my amom came to clean my apartment for the week, because it wasn't the way she liked it. She is very obsessive compulsive to say the least. I must say, it is nice but I know it's going to be impossible to maintain the way she has it. I almost cried today and this is absolutely ridiculous I know-- but she was going through all my stuff. My birthmom had given me a bouquet of flowers the first time we met and around the vase she had these cute multi colored ribbons. I liked it because it reminded me of how artistic and creative she was. I kept them around the vase because I wanted to keep everything she gave me. My amom threw the ribbons away. I know it's a really trivial thing, but to me it was a memory. Something tangible that I had in my house to remind me of my birth mom. I got really upset, but I couldn't tell my amom why and just acted like it was no big deal but I felt really sad. I guess this birthday go around is the same as last year, because now I am hoping my birth mom will acknowledge the day. After all, she did last year so I am hoping she will at least send me a quick e-mail letting me know she's thinking of me. I just know how I am and if I don't hear from her I will be sad. I'm scared I will not. When will this feeling of insecurity go away? I wish I didn't have it, but I need so much reassurance. I have many more thoughts especially since I haven't written all week, but it's getting late and it's daylight savings time so I better get in bed. All in all I survived the visit with minor annoyances here and there. I would say not having to do any laundry tomorrow could be worth some of the annoying lectures I got this week. More to come tomorrow.