Primal Wound
By the advice of many I have decided to start reading, "Primal Wound." For those of you who don't know, it's focus is on adoptees and the affect adoption has had on their whole life. Wow, this book really hit me between the eyes! One part of the book that I'd like to talk about this evening is the fact that adoption is not just a concept- It's not something that we discuss, but it's something that actually happened to me and it's a part of my history. To me, this is the denial part I was talking about earlier. It's not that I denied I was adopted, but I really didn't start getting it until now. This day in my life really happened. I looked in my birth mom's eyes 25 (almost 26 years ago) Just because I don't remember it, doesn't mean it didn't happen. Most importantly, it DOESN'T mean that it didn't have a profound impact on my life and how I interact today with people. My birthmother below talks about the day I was born. A part of my history:
"We had about an hour with you to be able to say good-bye, wish you a happy life, hold you, and tell you that we loved you. Those moments are seared in my memory forever. I remember whoever was "in charge" of that visit with you was very nervous, and did not want me to have that time to say good-bye. I think they were afraid I was going to change my mind if I had time with the baby, and nothing was signed yet. Well you can only imagine what I was feeling. It is not even possible to put it into words. I remember just looking and looking at you in total awe -- you were so beautiful! You were perfectly peaceful the whole time, eyes wide open, just looking back. Amazing. If I ever saw the face of an angel it was then. "
She knows my history. She was there for the most important day of MY life. Simply put, this also makes me really sad. My life has not been peaceful. My life has been full of worry, fear and anxiety. The main fear I have is being left by people. Wow, that sounds so cliche' coming from an adoptee, but man it is so true! Fear that I did something wrong or someone is mad at me. I always need reassurance, and I always feel insecure. Deep down, it's because I was abandoned. The first moments of my life I didn't feel safe or sure. I had to adapt to my environment and start depending on my a-mom to keep me alive, but I never bonded with her; just became dependent. I have taken many child development classes and the thing I find most interesting is that babies have the same temperment throughout life. My birthmom said I was peaceful, probably because I was with my mommy. I didn't know what was to come. I felt safe, and comforted by the person I knew and bonded with. On the otherhand, my a-mom said that I was the most colicky baby ever and I would not stop crying. She said it was acid reflux...I say I missed my mom. Where did she go? Did she ever think of that? I don't think people give babies enough credit. I think in adoption most people think you can just replace the bio-mother if a baby is raised in a healthy, warm family environment then everything will turn out great. Everyone wins, right? The fact of the matter is no matter what my a-mom had done, she couldn't replace my bio-mom. Thinking about the fact that I was placed with strangers (who are not strangers anymore) makes me really upset. It's weird to feel upset for me because it's ME. I'm not one to focus on me a lot, I try to focus on other people and help them. The point "Primal wound" made was the fact that something significant did happen in my life that changed me. For instance, if a 3 year old was sexually molested and didn't remember it, does it mean they won't be profoundly affected by that incident. This is the same. People can try to cover everything up all they want, but I now know why I'm so independent, why I like being in control of everything, why I'm always worried. The adoption. I have to be honest, I really miss my b-mom, and I don't even know her that well. How can you miss someone you don't barely know? I guess I can't explain that, but from the first day we started writing I wanted a hug. We talked about going on trips together and I pray that day will happen. Where we can be honest with each other, heal together, and be ourselves together. That is my ultimate goal. I want a relationship with both my mothers. I think now that I am learning more about myself I will be emotionally available in the future and be able to receieve the love I need from my a-parents. Maybe someday I'll actually like my birthday and be able to celebrate my life, and the fact I'm reunited with my bio-mom. I hope that day comes soon and I am able to work through the pain that occurred so long ago.
posted by stacy @ 7:17 PM
11 Comments:
i am with kim. i am also scared to read the book. just reading your post hurt. my biggest fear is getting angry and sad an down on myself again. i am afraid its going to tell me all these horrible things the adoption did to my daughter. things i did not know at 17 and things i was certainly not told. i cannot help but feel responsible for any pain, confusion, identity issues she has. the adoptino was painted as the best thing, a good thing and I was not. i was told i was not good enough, could never take care of her, her aparents were better than me, she deserved better than me, and i believed. i hate that i was so easily taken advtangage of, so desparate, had such low self esteem and was so easily discarded - and abadonded myself - by people who i thought loved me. it all hurts too much. sometimes if I think about it too much i cannot function. i get dizzy and want to cry all the time.
I started reading Primal Wound, and it was too painful. I had to set it down. I plan on reading it further when I am strong enough. But, even this makes me feel like crap... since this is something my daughter is going through, and I can't even read about it. Sigh. Well, this means I have some work to do.
I can't read it. I started it several times, skimmed through it, put it down.
I am just not totally convinced something that makes me feel THAT bad is anything I want to spend my precious time doing.
I'm sure it's validating I'm just not quite as convinced it's totally healthy.
I agree with everyone. I'm not sure it's a good book, because really what is it helping? I've contemplating stop reading it because it doesn't seem very beneficial. The only good thing I could say about it is the fact that is does acknowledge that some adoptees have issues because they were adopted. It does seem to overgeneralize though...so I don't know. I'll let you know when I finish reading it, how I feel about it.
You have to remember when reading this book that the stories are picked out because they are negative. It was written for this purpose. There are many good stories but those people don't tend to share their stories for publication.
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I have to give myself a reality check when reading any of the adoption books. I liken it to working at a nursing home and feeling that everyone that is old is in a home when actually it only affects 3% of the population over 65 in the US.
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They don't write many books about all the good stories.
I just don't want people to get too down about all these books....there are happy endings.
Primal Wound was not written to depress or make people feel badly.(I have talked to Nancy Verrier about it and many people misunderstand the purpose of the book.) It was to help adoptees understand that taking them from their first mothers had an affect on them. Obviously, the affects are different from person to person. Some adoptees I know read the book and thought it explained their whole lives, other thought some of it related, others hated it. Some adoptees do not want anyone to insinuate that there is anything wrong with adoption.
I told Nancy Verrier that I had trouble reading it, she seemed genuinely concerned and said that it wasn't intended to hurt birth moms either, and that in reunion we have alot of ability to help our children heal. Her second book focuses more on healing. Primal Wound points out the problem with thinking it doesn't matter - the second book offers ways to help.
She does not advocate adoptees use their Primal Wound to remain victims forever, but, it is a way to understand the whole adoption dynamics. Not everyone buys all of it, but, there is more research all the time about the awareness of babies.
There are a boat load of happy adoption books, but, we all know there is some good. It is the bad dark side of adoption that has been hidden too long. I do not read to feel happy, I read to learn. Sometimes what I read is disturbing, but I want/need to learn.
I've heard about the book, but hesitated to read it because of the controversy.
That said, I agree that being adopted has had a profound impact on my life.
I cried when I read what your b mom wrote. I'm crying now. Why is it so hard? Because of the Primal Wound?
Perhaps open adoption is the way to go.
Yes, I'm not sure why things are so hard. It's such an emotional thing. I waver back and forth with the whole open and closed adoption thing. I don't really know. I just know if my parents had been more open with me- it would have made things much better just to know my true feelings were acknowledged.
Do any adoptees you’ve met ever remembering the day they were relinquished? I was 3 days old when I went to my adopted parents. My biological mother says she never held me. She seems to have issues dealing with me. I swear I remember the day she signed papers and her asking someone on the other side of a desk if “she’ll be okay” while she was holding me after I focused on her. I also remember my birth grandmother picking my birth mother’s arm up and plopping it down on the desk with a pen. The thud of my mother’s arm was startling. I remember a hospital bed, two women and a small child visiting me one morning. I am having these reoccurring dreams at night. Are these repressed memories important? I wonder did these people/family behave this way to create a wild moment or was it just that? Can you relate?
Do any adoptees you’ve met ever remembering the day they were relinquished? I was 3 days old when I went to my adopted parents. My biological mother says she never held me. She seems to have issues dealing with me. I swear I remember the day she signed papers and her asking someone on the other side of a desk if “she’ll be okay” while she was holding me after I focused on her. I also remember my birth grandmother picking my birth mother’s arm up and plopping it down on the desk with a pen. The thud of my mother’s arm was startling. I remember a hospital bed, two women and a small child visiting me one morning. I am having these reoccurring dreams at night. Are these repressed memories important? I wonder did these people/family behave this way to create a moment or was it just that? Can you relate?
Hello- I found your blog several years late- but nonetheless- I am so appreciative to you for sharing your thoughts and feelings.
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