Kill Me Now
This sounds really bad...but my amom is coming into town to stay with me for a week and I am going to completely lose it. She invited herself to come up here to "clean" my apartment. We live very different lives and my life-- I'm sorry, does not revolve around keeping my apartment sparkling clean. It's not disgusting or anything but just not spotlessly clean like my mother likes it. I have a full plate with working 50 hours a week and grad school. This adds another dimension of stress. For me, this is not very good timing. I am processing all of these emotions and won't have time to get anything out because she is constantly going to be around. I am used to living by myself and doing my own thing. To make matters worse, she is going to go through all of my private things and that just makes me feel really uncomfortable. I feel like I have to hide all of my gifts from my birth parents because it will hurt her feelings. I have to hide one of the biggest things that is going on in my life right now because I feel guilty. Why do I have to feel guilty? It just really isn't fair. So...just like my life has always been I have to put on that fake face for a full week! OMG. My birthday is on Monday and always a bad time of year. I hate my birthday and now it's going to be even worse because my mom will be here all week and then my dad is coming in on Friday to stay over too. I really think by the time they leave I could be on the brink of an anxiety breakdown. You know why? Because I can't be MYSELF. It drives me crazy. I think it is different than normal tense mother daughter relationships. I am literally a different person. I can not take my mask off around them. Ordinarily I'm funny, outgoing with my friends, goofy, philisophical, opinionated-- With my a parents I am very reserved, serious, quiet and indifferent. I don't liked to be touched or show too much emotion. When I cry though, they don't acknowledge anyway and say I'm being overly dramatic or a baby. Soo....I guess this is my last entry for a while. Hopefully I will make it out alive. I am really worried. Hopefully *crossing my fingers* it will turn out to be a bonding experience for us two. Well, if you knew my mom, you know that wouldn't be the case. I'm gonna die....
posted by stacy @ 7:56 PM
5 Comments:
I'm sorry to hear.... (((hugs)))
You don't have to be responsible for your amom's feelings... in fact, you can't be.
If she has issues, it is likely that she had them before you entered her life. She has to find her own peace and that must come from inside, not from you. You need to find your own inner peace.
I had mixed feelings reading this post. Part of me chuckled as it reminded me of my own daughter and that felt good. She often writes about her amom being very smothering, going into her room, cleaning her stuff, etc. So, I got an odd sense of familiarity in reading about your experience.
I also found myself sad about the birthday comments. I hear this so often from adoptees. How their birthday causes such angst. I wonder if thats true for my daughter too?
Happy early birthday.
Oh man, I am sorry to hear this. I know it will be a hard week for you.
Please let me know if I can do ANYTHING to make the situation easier for you. Hey, on the bright side, your house will be sparking clean by the time she is gone, its like getting a free house cleaner! LOL, sorry just trying to lighten things up.
I know how your parents are, heck Ive even been on vacation with you and them. So, I understand. Dont apologize for the feelings and emotions you are having right now about your adoption. You are entitled to your emotions and they have no right to stifle them.
Oh Stacy!
I know how you feel. I felt the same way with my a parents. My entire a family. I always thought there was something wrong with ME, but turns out there was something wrong with THEM.
Think about this. Don't do anything about it necessarily, but think about. After all, you have nothing to lose. OK, here goes:
Give them the "real" you. No holds barred.
They can take it our leave it, but they just might take it. If not, you haven't lost a damn thing. If they take even a little bit, you are a step closer to being able to be YOU.
I hoep you are fairing well during this visit.
Just wanted you to know you are thought of.
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