What do I want? What do they want?

Most days I feel like I'm a tight rope walker and I could lose my balance and focus any minute. I'm trying to keep everything in line and keep everyone happy...but this happiness doesn't include me. I feel like I'm the one that has to suffer so everyone else can be happy and comfortable. The thing is that I know what I think I want, but I don't know for sure. It's scary. I want to be close with my birth mom, but how close is too close? . When we first met, I thought it went so well, and was so comfortable and nice . I had a new job where I was making quite a bit of commissions and wanted to save up and take her and her kids (my sibs) to Disney world. Those were the thoughts that were going on in my head. I was thinking about how I would balance Christmas with my family and the holidays with her. I was brainstorming as to what I would buy my half-siblings. Well....we haven't talked on the phone since September so I really don't see any of that happening anytime soon. I think a lot of the reason we don't talk on the phone because it is still nerve wracking. I talked to Chuck-daddy on Wednesday and although it was a nice conversation, it doesn't feel as "safe" as the computer. I think this is how my birth mom feels. There are so many days though that I want to just type her up an e-mail whenever I have a thought and wish we could e-mail back and forth throughout the day. Nothing big, I don't need drama in my life- or thought provoking chatter basically I just want to see how her day is going. So when it comes to my birthmom I don't think I could get too close to her. Then, I think when I feel Chuck-daddy is crossing my boundaries I start getting a sick feeling in my stomach. I wonder why? Is it because I have a good relationship with my dad and I feel disloyal to him? My first gut instinct felt the same way. I was really freaked out. I liked him and thought he was a nice person, but at the same time it was this weird gut feeling. It's really hard to explain. Maybe it's because I've always yearned for my birth mom and not him. My heart was always receptive to finding her. She sent me a picture of the two of us in reunion and I framed it and put it in a picture frame that had "mom" on it but when he sent me a card stating I was his daughter I got upset. I guess we never really talked about what I prefer to be called and he just started calling me his daughter. Before I found him, he said people would ask if he had a daughter and he would say yes. That is just strange to me that everyone knew about me and I had no idea. I just wonder if the tables were turned and if my birthmom found me. How would I feel? I am trying to put myself into her shoes. If I was found I probably would be freaked out, but I would slowly warm up to the idea. So...I don't want to bombard her. I decided to protect myself I am going to give her as much as she gives me. I really wanted to spoil her for her birthday, but she didn't acknowledge me at X-mas time so I didn't. I just don't want to shower her with attention and love if she's going to feel uncomfortable about it and unappreciative. That is a rejection to me, and it hurts. I don't want to chase her away, and I think I easily could. Then I think to myself, what if I get what I want. We have a great relationship, I meet my sibling, and extended family what do I tell my parents? If they would just be supportive things would be much more easy. I'm constantly living a lie I feel like or an alternative life. Which one is real? They are both so different. The world I've always known is gone. When it comes down to it, all of us in our worlds including adoptive parents, adoptees, and birth parents- the common demoninator is that we all want and need love.