Flashback

It was March 2005, and my cell started ringing at approximately 10:30pm. I jumped, and my heart dropped because it was a (515) area code which only meant it was my friend calling with news about my birth mom. I was too scared to answer. I was frozen with fear. As my message light on my cell phone started blinking, my heart started palpitating and my hands started to sweat. I was really freaked out and I didn't know what to expect. I listened to the message she said, "Stacy, call me when you get this as soon as possible!"
I knew she had news. Good news? Bad news? I didn't know. So immediately I called her. The first thing she said was..."Well I know why you aren't having luck finding your birthmom"
I swear I thought she was going to say that she was dead. Then she said, "It was because I was looking for the wrong name. All along I had my birthdad's last name on my adoption paperwork which still baffles me. She said she talked to her mom, who knew my birthmom when she was pregnant with me. She went to a doctors appointment with her once. This is when reality set in that my birthmom was a real person and not just a figment of my imagination. She went on to say that she was a devout catholic so she didn't believe in abortion, she was very artsy, and she had big eyes. When she said she had big eyes, my heart stopped. One small part of my puzzle was complete. My big puppy-dog eyes have always been my trademark. Where did I get them from? I finally knew! She gave me her full name, and this is when my search began. I've covered most of the search in my other blogs, but right now I want to think back to the emotion I was feeling when it all began. As I sit here in the same spot where I wrote my original letter to my birthmom I remember exactly how I was feeling. Nervous, excited, curious, in shock, confused but more than anything I was plain obsessed and anxious. I was obsessed with the fact that I could be rejected. I was consumed with this feeling all the time which fed into my anxiety on a daily basis.

To Reject: To refuse to accept, submit to, believe, or make use of. To refuse to recognize or give affection to, or To discard as defective or useless; throw away.

Wow that sounds pretty harsh, but like I've said many times I want and need to be accepted. I'm not going to say the fact that I was adopted means that I feel as though I'm useless. As I have been reading Primal Wound there are many parts that I do not relate with. It says how many adoptees feel like they are only good enough as the losers and stoners and don't aspire to be anything. Maybe it's because I am a compliant adoptee or something, but I do want a lot for myself and for my family. In one of my first letters to my birth mom I told her I was all grown up. I don't need a mom anymore but this is what I do need in my life right now.

I need emotional support, I need someone that will not judge my imperfections, I need someone who will listen and empathize, I need someone to love me unconditionally, I need a mentor, I need a friend.

I hope someday this role will be fulfilled. I have faith that my goal of establishing that relationship someday will be accomplished. I'm going to keep being myself, and letting her know I love her. That's all I can do. I just hope I don't give up out of frustration and hurt.