Don't worry about the things you can't control
I have to remind myself that it is a waste of energy everyday to worry about the things that are beyond my control. This goes for everything in my life. Once I've turned in a paper for school, I stress out about the grade. In my field as a mortgage loan officer, I worry about my clients being approved by the underwriter. When it comes to people in my life accepting me and liking me I worry... worry... worry... and want to CONTROL! When I was in my last bad relationship I wanted to know where my boyfriend was and wanted to know his friends. If I wasn't a part of it it worried me because I wanted to control it. I am such an absolute control freak. I do not like things being out of control at all. I like routine. If I don't get my routine I am crabby. Is this because of my adoption? I never saw the correlation before but after I've researched more, it makes sense. I just wish I didn't stress out so much and could take things as they come. That seems impossible to me. Ever since I was young I had a plan: Graduate college at 22, go to grad school, get married by 26, have babies by 28. Everything all had to go according to plan. Maybe that's because my life started out not being able to choose. Who's life really goes according to plan? Life is made up of all sorts of little surprises. A friend said to me last night if you want to make God laugh tell him about your plans. I haven't heard from my birthmom in a couple of weeks and this is when I get stressed out. I can send numerous e-mails but it doesn't make the response faster. Once I get an e-mail from her I feel a sense of relief until I write again and it turns into the waiting game all over again. I wonder if she thinks about me and analyzes our situation/relationship as much as I do. I don't think it's possible...ho hum....
posted by stacy @ 9:44 PM
4 Comments:
A friend said to me last night if you want to make God laugh tell him about your plans.
Oh I love that! It's so true.
again, same here, only in reverse. haven't heard from my birthmom in a couple of weeks and this is when I get stressed out. I can send numerous e-mails but it doesn't make the response faster. Once I get an e-mail from her I feel a sense of relief until I write again and it turns into the waiting game all over again. I wonder if she thinks about me and analyzes our situation/relationship as much as I do. I don't think it's possible...ho hum....
I hear from my daughter maybe once a month if I am lucky. I have gradually learned to stop holding my breath and try not to get so jacked up. Its hard though. Hearing from her just makes my day. Like a junkie, I need those fixes.
I get like that with all my relationships... if I'm feeling particularly insecure. In terms of my daughter, I expect that when it happens, it's going to be just like that. On the one hand, I won't want to write to her right away.. cause then she'll think I'm needy right? The intensity. Good thing I have 10 more years to wait to see if she rejects me. This is the easy part, right? Oh the insanity they never told us about in the adoption plan pamphlets.
I know for me as a natural mom who is reunited, alot of the things you mentioned about reunion I experienced too, over time they have subsided to almost non exsistance, all the worry and waiting to hear, feeling like i was a prisoner to my own feelings.
I dotn know how it is for adopted people but I hope that over time you will get some relief too.
MSP
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