Overwhelmed

I can hardly believe a whole summer has flown by. As I sit here and think about that, I realize that my reunion occurred just about a year ago. I met my birthmom Sept 4 2005. I had so many hopes and dreams after our reunion. I remember the night I met her I couldn't sleep because I couldn't believe I had met the person I had only dreamed about. I honestly couldn't believe she really existed. It's still such a surreal experience. After all this time I still think...did that really happen? I have a picture of us framed together and I still can't believe I am standing next to the woman who gave birth to me. It freaks me out. After a whole year though, I have to admit that I am let down, and sad. It reminds me of me and my exes relationship. When we first met there were so many sparks, I couldn't believe I met this special person-- and then it just stopped growing, fizzled out and became stagnant. I fear this is happening with my birth parents. In order for a relationship to be strong, I know you have to work on it. I am sick of putting in all of the effort. I don't think its fair that I am the only one to initiate phone calls, and e-mails, and even trips. I know I am an adult, but I am the one feeling insecure. I am the one who wants to be loved and accepted. I am the one that was left behind. I also fear though if I don't make that effort our relationship will die forever so I will take what I can get even if it's not enough or what I want. I did get a letter from my birth mom yesterday. It always puts me in a weird mood when I hear from her. I realized that she could pretty much do anything to me and I'll still want a relationship with her for right now. Why do I take that from her? More than anything, I just want her to WANT me in her life. She admitted that she felt lonely and isolated in her life. I don't understand this, because so badly I want to be close with her. I want to do mother/daughter activities with her. I also don't think she realizes how special that is. I never hang out with my amom. I don't want to. I love her, but I don't like her. We don't click. I told her if she needed anything I was always here, but I know nothing will ever change. That's why I haven't been writing because nothing will ever change I fear. Even Chuck has been distant. I just think its hard to integrate yourself into a new family because it is so emotionally draining. On another note...my old office colleague pissed me off again talking about adoption. How I am a spoiled rich kid because my parents could afford to adopt me. She was like didn't they pay your birth mom 30,000 to give you up. Wow, that enraged me! I am a human being, not a commodity. Some people just don't get it. Can you tell I'm a bit frustrated tonight? Maybe I'll be in a better mood tomorrow. Until next time....