Enjoy the journey not the destination

Sometimes I feel like I'm a freak. I feel like everyone around me can enjoy life, have fun and take things as they come. Not me... I have to plan out every little minute detail of my life to feel safe, secure, and functional. What doesn't make sense is that fact is although to a certain degree you can plan out your life as far as getting a college degree or picking a facet of a career you want to go into, that's about all you can do. Life throws a million curve balls at us and we never know what is going to happen. I used to have a timeline: Finish grad school by 26, get married around the same time, begin a stable careeer, start having babies by 28-29 and live in a white picket house neighborhood, with a pool and BBQ every 4th of July. Wow... was I naive or what. I wonder why it was/slightly so important to me to know exactly where I'm going to end up. I really like the quote enjoy the journey not the destination. I'm striving to be able to do that. I don't know where these control freak tendencies come from. This is something I have to figure out for myself. What will happen if I just let go and not worry about what will happen in the future? I have never tried that before. I have always lived in the future. Before my long-term boyfriend and I broke up I lived in the future. We didn't have sex at all. He wanted to wait until he was married and I respected that. He never wanted to spend the night, because he couldn't sleep well with me. He wasn't able to open up or share his passions. Most of the time he didn't want to spend time with me. I thought well when/if we get married all of those problems will be solved. I am not happy now, but in the FUTURE I will be. So 4 years later, we break up and I was not happy in the relationship. Now, switch it around. I have the most bad-ass boyfriend ever in the world, but my heart has been broken so many times and I am so fearful of rejection I fear it won't work out in the future even though things are so wonderful right now. What does this have to do with adoption? Maybe a lot. Maybe the fact that I didn't have that control over the decisions that were made about my life. I just know you can't control anything that happens, but you can control your reactions to them. So I need to sit back, relax and enjoy this thing we call life!

Overwhelmed

I can hardly believe a whole summer has flown by. As I sit here and think about that, I realize that my reunion occurred just about a year ago. I met my birthmom Sept 4 2005. I had so many hopes and dreams after our reunion. I remember the night I met her I couldn't sleep because I couldn't believe I had met the person I had only dreamed about. I honestly couldn't believe she really existed. It's still such a surreal experience. After all this time I still think...did that really happen? I have a picture of us framed together and I still can't believe I am standing next to the woman who gave birth to me. It freaks me out. After a whole year though, I have to admit that I am let down, and sad. It reminds me of me and my exes relationship. When we first met there were so many sparks, I couldn't believe I met this special person-- and then it just stopped growing, fizzled out and became stagnant. I fear this is happening with my birth parents. In order for a relationship to be strong, I know you have to work on it. I am sick of putting in all of the effort. I don't think its fair that I am the only one to initiate phone calls, and e-mails, and even trips. I know I am an adult, but I am the one feeling insecure. I am the one who wants to be loved and accepted. I am the one that was left behind. I also fear though if I don't make that effort our relationship will die forever so I will take what I can get even if it's not enough or what I want. I did get a letter from my birth mom yesterday. It always puts me in a weird mood when I hear from her. I realized that she could pretty much do anything to me and I'll still want a relationship with her for right now. Why do I take that from her? More than anything, I just want her to WANT me in her life. She admitted that she felt lonely and isolated in her life. I don't understand this, because so badly I want to be close with her. I want to do mother/daughter activities with her. I also don't think she realizes how special that is. I never hang out with my amom. I don't want to. I love her, but I don't like her. We don't click. I told her if she needed anything I was always here, but I know nothing will ever change. That's why I haven't been writing because nothing will ever change I fear. Even Chuck has been distant. I just think its hard to integrate yourself into a new family because it is so emotionally draining. On another note...my old office colleague pissed me off again talking about adoption. How I am a spoiled rich kid because my parents could afford to adopt me. She was like didn't they pay your birth mom 30,000 to give you up. Wow, that enraged me! I am a human being, not a commodity. Some people just don't get it. Can you tell I'm a bit frustrated tonight? Maybe I'll be in a better mood tomorrow. Until next time....

I'm baaaaaaack

Yes, it has been a long time. I have been doing OK. Honestly, I have been dating a lot and just plain have not had the energy to keep up with this. I felt inspired to post tonight because dating and rejection goes hand in hand with what I have experienced in my reunion. It's interesting to me how much these two fit together so closely. When my boyfriend, Chris broke up with me I was very blind-sided. He was my best friend that I could trust and depend on. He was definitely my safe place during the roller coaster of my reunion. So, to be rejected by him and my birthmother in the same year I must say has taken a toll on me. This is why it is hard for me to date. I try to "just have fun" but I get so emotionally attached to people so quickly -- it brings up the same emotions I had when my birthmom was "rejecting" me. I use reject lightly because she didn't totally shut me out of her life, but she also didn't give me the kind of relationship that I so desperately wanted and needed. I find myself being obsessed now with dating when before it was with my journey of adoption. I really feel like I want to date...and eventually get married to find that connection I've always been needing. I fear it will never happen in my life. I feel it's the one area I'm cursed. I have a great job, a good education, great family and friends-- but I'm "that girl" that will always fail at relationships. I'm one of those codependent compliant people that always want to make everyone happy and put the needs of others in front of my own. I am trying to break that behavior as soon as possible. I also find that I analyze all these new relationships just as much as I analyzed why my birthmom was not writing me back. Now, I analyze why this guy I went out on a date with hasn't called or wonder if he'll reject me down the line. I have a long road to travel I'm afraid to say. I'm getting through it, and I'll make it but I think its going to be a challenge. For right now, I'm doing my best to focus on myself, grow my relationship with God, get in shape, go to counseling and all in all build my self-esteem and be happy with myself before I jump into another solid relationship. I just wanted to update since it has been so long. More later....

Other issues

Thanks everyone for your comments! My boyfriend of 4 years just broke up with me, and I can't even begin to tackle my issues with my birthparents now. I need to focus on one thing at a time. I'm not sure when I'll be back. Thanks for your support

A new normal...

Since April 3, 2005 my life has never been the same, nor will it ever be the same again. This was the day that I first made contact with my bmom. This last year especially the first six months of the reunion I was literally consumed with emotions and thoughts ALL. THE. TIME! It was actually frustrating, because I was really looking forward to my life just settling back down and going back to "the way it was" I've realized however that it's not going to happen. As one of my birth aunts mentioned in the beginning of all this, is that the reunion is sort of like a marriage between families. Things are getting back to a new normal. I don't run in and check my e-mail anxiously anymore in the middle of the night, but still there are some days that I hope to hear from my birth parents. I wonder if the relationship I have with my birth parents will stay like this forever. At first, I felt like I was getting a lot of attention because everything was so exciting and new. My bdad wrote me an e-mail about once a day, now it's down to once a week, maybe twice. My bmom wrote me a letter every other week and now I'm lucky if it's once a month. Sadly, I feel like the novelty has worn off. I guess it is sort of like a new love relationship where you think about them all the time, want to go out of your way for them and want to talk to them and be around them. This whole situation with wanting and yearning is just so different from anything else in my life. I have several friends I talk to once or twice a year but I know our friendship is still intact and I feel secure with that notion. Why can't I be "chill" like that with my birth parents or birth family? I constantly worry, and above all else in this world, don't want to do anything to offend them or make me not like me. I really need acceptance from them so badly and want to be close. I fear NOT being close, and drifting away. Losing them again because I care so deeply. Why am I not that way with my adoptive family? I feel sometimes I'm not fair to them because I know they'll always be there, but I find myself not going out of my way for them. They were the ones that were always there for me, when they weren't but some days I could care less. I could go weeks without talking to my parents, and a year or two without seeing my grandparents. The bond is just not there. Maybe that is what I am fearful of losing. I keep everyone at an arms length because I am afraid of letting people in. Most of the time I get hurt because in most cases people will let you down; either purposely or not it just happens. For some reason, I'm not afraid to let my birth family in, but I'm still freaked out they won't like me. I guess it's because when I met my bmom she totally backed away from me. I feel like our relationship distanced or fizzled. I still have the slight glimmer of hope that things will move forward. Is that stupid? Maybe...

Expectations

I think any expectations we have can set us up for disaster whether it being good or bad. When one gets married, most of the time a woman expects that she can change her husband. She thinks or expects the man that once she marries him will all of the sudden become romantic when prior to that he wasn't, will help with the chores around the house or watch chick flicks with her, without rolling his eyes. (yah right) Then the husband expects that his wife won't ever gain weight or will have sex whenever he wants to....haha. I'm not married, but I was just trying to think of some funny examples about expectations in general. You can have certain expectations about an event, an expectation about a trip, a new friend you meet, a new job, a school and the list goes on and on. On every side of the adoption spectrum whether it be an adoptee, adoptive parent, or birthmother we all have expectations that unfortanetly I don't think anyone can live up to... good or bad. This is what I have had a hard time dealing with the most. My expectations of how my parents would react to me finding my birth parents, or more so how my birthmother would feel when I found her. I know when I was researching about reunion, much of the literature said to have some sort of expectation as far as what you want to get out of the reunion. I don't think anyone can truly be prepared for reunion at all because it is not just one event, it is a relationship that will eventually change over time. I think in life we just shouldn't have expectatations for anything because most of the time we get let down. It's sad, but true. Sometimes I feel as though I let my parents down. I'm sure they had so many expectations for me. I'm not saying I'm not a successful person. I have a steady job that pays all of my bills and I'm in grad school, but I can't help but think I don't live up to what they wanted to be in their eyes. Then, I wonder do I live up to the expectations my birth parents envisioned me to be? It feels like a lot of pressure. I guess PRESSURE is the theme of my little own life. I've ALWAYS put pressure on myself. That is why I think if we stop expecting so much out of ourselves and each other and just go with the flow, things would be much easier and everyone would be happier in life. Take things as they come....much easier to say than to do!

Don't worry about the things you can't control

I have to remind myself that it is a waste of energy everyday to worry about the things that are beyond my control. This goes for everything in my life. Once I've turned in a paper for school, I stress out about the grade. In my field as a mortgage loan officer, I worry about my clients being approved by the underwriter. When it comes to people in my life accepting me and liking me I worry... worry... worry... and want to CONTROL! When I was in my last bad relationship I wanted to know where my boyfriend was and wanted to know his friends. If I wasn't a part of it it worried me because I wanted to control it. I am such an absolute control freak. I do not like things being out of control at all. I like routine. If I don't get my routine I am crabby. Is this because of my adoption? I never saw the correlation before but after I've researched more, it makes sense. I just wish I didn't stress out so much and could take things as they come. That seems impossible to me. Ever since I was young I had a plan: Graduate college at 22, go to grad school, get married by 26, have babies by 28. Everything all had to go according to plan. Maybe that's because my life started out not being able to choose. Who's life really goes according to plan? Life is made up of all sorts of little surprises. A friend said to me last night if you want to make God laugh tell him about your plans. I haven't heard from my birthmom in a couple of weeks and this is when I get stressed out. I can send numerous e-mails but it doesn't make the response faster. Once I get an e-mail from her I feel a sense of relief until I write again and it turns into the waiting game all over again. I wonder if she thinks about me and analyzes our situation/relationship as much as I do. I don't think it's possible...ho hum....