Other issues

Thanks everyone for your comments! My boyfriend of 4 years just broke up with me, and I can't even begin to tackle my issues with my birthparents now. I need to focus on one thing at a time. I'm not sure when I'll be back. Thanks for your support

A new normal...

Since April 3, 2005 my life has never been the same, nor will it ever be the same again. This was the day that I first made contact with my bmom. This last year especially the first six months of the reunion I was literally consumed with emotions and thoughts ALL. THE. TIME! It was actually frustrating, because I was really looking forward to my life just settling back down and going back to "the way it was" I've realized however that it's not going to happen. As one of my birth aunts mentioned in the beginning of all this, is that the reunion is sort of like a marriage between families. Things are getting back to a new normal. I don't run in and check my e-mail anxiously anymore in the middle of the night, but still there are some days that I hope to hear from my birth parents. I wonder if the relationship I have with my birth parents will stay like this forever. At first, I felt like I was getting a lot of attention because everything was so exciting and new. My bdad wrote me an e-mail about once a day, now it's down to once a week, maybe twice. My bmom wrote me a letter every other week and now I'm lucky if it's once a month. Sadly, I feel like the novelty has worn off. I guess it is sort of like a new love relationship where you think about them all the time, want to go out of your way for them and want to talk to them and be around them. This whole situation with wanting and yearning is just so different from anything else in my life. I have several friends I talk to once or twice a year but I know our friendship is still intact and I feel secure with that notion. Why can't I be "chill" like that with my birth parents or birth family? I constantly worry, and above all else in this world, don't want to do anything to offend them or make me not like me. I really need acceptance from them so badly and want to be close. I fear NOT being close, and drifting away. Losing them again because I care so deeply. Why am I not that way with my adoptive family? I feel sometimes I'm not fair to them because I know they'll always be there, but I find myself not going out of my way for them. They were the ones that were always there for me, when they weren't but some days I could care less. I could go weeks without talking to my parents, and a year or two without seeing my grandparents. The bond is just not there. Maybe that is what I am fearful of losing. I keep everyone at an arms length because I am afraid of letting people in. Most of the time I get hurt because in most cases people will let you down; either purposely or not it just happens. For some reason, I'm not afraid to let my birth family in, but I'm still freaked out they won't like me. I guess it's because when I met my bmom she totally backed away from me. I feel like our relationship distanced or fizzled. I still have the slight glimmer of hope that things will move forward. Is that stupid? Maybe...

Expectations

I think any expectations we have can set us up for disaster whether it being good or bad. When one gets married, most of the time a woman expects that she can change her husband. She thinks or expects the man that once she marries him will all of the sudden become romantic when prior to that he wasn't, will help with the chores around the house or watch chick flicks with her, without rolling his eyes. (yah right) Then the husband expects that his wife won't ever gain weight or will have sex whenever he wants to....haha. I'm not married, but I was just trying to think of some funny examples about expectations in general. You can have certain expectations about an event, an expectation about a trip, a new friend you meet, a new job, a school and the list goes on and on. On every side of the adoption spectrum whether it be an adoptee, adoptive parent, or birthmother we all have expectations that unfortanetly I don't think anyone can live up to... good or bad. This is what I have had a hard time dealing with the most. My expectations of how my parents would react to me finding my birth parents, or more so how my birthmother would feel when I found her. I know when I was researching about reunion, much of the literature said to have some sort of expectation as far as what you want to get out of the reunion. I don't think anyone can truly be prepared for reunion at all because it is not just one event, it is a relationship that will eventually change over time. I think in life we just shouldn't have expectatations for anything because most of the time we get let down. It's sad, but true. Sometimes I feel as though I let my parents down. I'm sure they had so many expectations for me. I'm not saying I'm not a successful person. I have a steady job that pays all of my bills and I'm in grad school, but I can't help but think I don't live up to what they wanted to be in their eyes. Then, I wonder do I live up to the expectations my birth parents envisioned me to be? It feels like a lot of pressure. I guess PRESSURE is the theme of my little own life. I've ALWAYS put pressure on myself. That is why I think if we stop expecting so much out of ourselves and each other and just go with the flow, things would be much easier and everyone would be happier in life. Take things as they come....much easier to say than to do!