The Journey of Reunion-An adoptee's story

Enjoy the journey not the destination

2007-07-17T22:32:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I feel like I'm a freak. I feel like everyone around me can enjoy life, have fun and take things as they come. Not me... I have to plan out every little minute detail of my life to feel safe, secure, and functional. What doesn't make sense is that fact is although to a certain degree you can plan out your life as far as getting a college degree or picking a facet of a career you want to go into, that's about all you can do. Life throws a million curve balls at us and we never know what is going to happen. I used to have a timeline: Finish grad school by 26, get married around the same time, begin a stable careeer, start having babies by 28-29 and live in a white picket house neighborhood, with a pool and BBQ every 4th of July. Wow... was I naive or what. I wonder why it was/slightly so important to me to know exactly where I'm going to end up. I really like the quote enjoy the journey not the destination. I'm striving to be able to do that. I don't know where these control freak tendencies come from. This is something I have to figure out for myself. What will happen if I just let go and not worry about what will happen in the future? I have never tried that before. I have always lived in the future. Before my long-term boyfriend and I broke up I lived in the future. We didn't have sex at all. He wanted to wait until he was married and I respected that. He never wanted to spend the night, because he couldn't sleep well with me. He wasn't able to open up or share his passions. Most of the time he didn't want to spend time with me. I thought well when/if we get married all of those problems will be solved. I am not happy now, but in the FUTURE I will be. So 4 years later, we break up and I was not happy in the relationship. Now, switch it around. I have the most bad-ass boyfriend ever in the world, but my heart has been broken so many times and I am so fearful of rejection I fear it won't work out in the future even though things are so wonderful right now. What does this have to do with adoption? Maybe a lot. Maybe the fact that I didn't have that control over the decisions that were made about my life. I just know you can't control anything that happens, but you can control your reactions to them. So I need to sit back, relax and enjoy this thing we call life!

Overwhelmed

2006-08-21T21:55:00.000-07:00

I can hardly believe a whole summer has flown by. As I sit here and think about that, I realize that my reunion occurred just about a year ago. I met my birthmom Sept 4 2005. I had so many hopes and dreams after our reunion. I remember the night I met her I couldn't sleep because I couldn't believe I had met the person I had only dreamed about. I honestly couldn't believe she really existed. It's still such a surreal experience. After all this time I still think...did that really happen? I have a picture of us framed together and I still can't believe I am standing next to the woman who gave birth to me. It freaks me out. After a whole year though, I have to admit that I am let down, and sad. It reminds me of me and my exes relationship. When we first met there were so many sparks, I couldn't believe I met this special person-- and then it just stopped growing, fizzled out and became stagnant. I fear this is happening with my birth parents. In order for a relationship to be strong, I know you have to work on it. I am sick of putting in all of the effort. I don't think its fair that I am the only one to initiate phone calls, and e-mails, and even trips. I know I am an adult, but I am the one feeling insecure. I am the one who wants to be loved and accepted. I am the one that was left behind. I also fear though if I don't make that effort our relationship will die forever so I will take what I can get even if it's not enough or what I want. I did get a letter from my birth mom yesterday. It always puts me in a weird mood when I hear from her. I realized that she could pretty much do anything to me and I'll still want a relationship with her for right now. Why do I take that from her? More than anything, I just want her to WANT me in her life. She admitted that she felt lonely and isolated in her life. I don't understand this, because so badly I want to be close with her. I want to do mother/daughter activities with her. I also don't think she realizes how special that is. I never hang out with my amom. I don't want to. I love her, but I don't like her. We don't click. I told her if she needed anything I was always here, but I know nothing will ever change. That's why I haven't been writing because nothing will ever change I fear. Even Chuck has been distant. I just think its hard to integrate yourself into a new family because it is so emotionally draining. On another note...my old office colleague pissed me off again talking about adoption. How I am a spoiled rich kid because my parents could afford to adopt me. She was like didn't they pay your birth mom 30,000 to give you up. Wow, that enraged me! I am a human being, not a commodity. Some people just don't get it. Can you tell I'm a bit frustrated tonight? Maybe I'll be in a better mood tomorrow. Until next time....

I'm baaaaaaack

2006-07-21T23:16:00.000-07:00

Yes, it has been a long time. I have been doing OK. Honestly, I have been dating a lot and just plain have not had the energy to keep up with this. I felt inspired to post tonight because dating and rejection goes hand in hand with what I have experienced in my reunion. It's interesting to me how much these two fit together so closely. When my boyfriend, Chris broke up with me I was very blind-sided. He was my best friend that I could trust and depend on. He was definitely my safe place during the roller coaster of my reunion. So, to be rejected by him and my birthmother in the same year I must say has taken a toll on me. This is why it is hard for me to date. I try to "just have fun" but I get so emotionally attached to people so quickly -- it brings up the same emotions I had when my birthmom was "rejecting" me. I use reject lightly because she didn't totally shut me out of her life, but she also didn't give me the kind of relationship that I so desperately wanted and needed. I find myself being obsessed now with dating when before it was with my journey of adoption. I really feel like I want to date...and eventually get married to find that connection I've always been needing. I fear it will never happen in my life. I feel it's the one area I'm cursed. I have a great job, a good education, great family and friends-- but I'm "that girl" that will always fail at relationships. I'm one of those codependent compliant people that always want to make everyone happy and put the needs of others in front of my own. I am trying to break that behavior as soon as possible. I also find that I analyze all these new relationships just as much as I analyzed why my birthmom was not writing me back. Now, I analyze why this guy I went out on a date with hasn't called or wonder if he'll reject me down the line. I have a long road to travel I'm afraid to say. I'm getting through it, and I'll make it but I think its going to be a challenge. For right now, I'm doing my best to focus on myself, grow my relationship with God, get in shape, go to counseling and all in all build my self-esteem and be happy with myself before I jump into another solid relationship. I just wanted to update since it has been so long. More later....

Other issues

2006-05-14T17:34:00.000-07:00

Thanks everyone for your comments! My boyfriend of 4 years just broke up with me, and I can't even begin to tackle my issues with my birthparents now. I need to focus on one thing at a time. I'm not sure when I'll be back. Thanks for your support

A new normal...

2006-05-07T14:02:00.000-07:00

Since April 3, 2005 my life has never been the same, nor will it ever be the same again. This was the day that I first made contact with my bmom. This last year especially the first six months of the reunion I was literally consumed with emotions and thoughts ALL. THE. TIME! It was actually frustrating, because I was really looking forward to my life just settling back down and going back to "the way it was" I've realized however that it's not going to happen. As one of my birth aunts mentioned in the beginning of all this, is that the reunion is sort of like a marriage between families. Things are getting back to a new normal. I don't run in and check my e-mail anxiously anymore in the middle of the night, but still there are some days that I hope to hear from my birth parents. I wonder if the relationship I have with my birth parents will stay like this forever. At first, I felt like I was getting a lot of attention because everything was so exciting and new. My bdad wrote me an e-mail about once a day, now it's down to once a week, maybe twice. My bmom wrote me a letter every other week and now I'm lucky if it's once a month. Sadly, I feel like the novelty has worn off. I guess it is sort of like a new love relationship where you think about them all the time, want to go out of your way for them and want to talk to them and be around them. This whole situation with wanting and yearning is just so different from anything else in my life. I have several friends I talk to once or twice a year but I know our friendship is still intact and I feel secure with that notion. Why can't I be "chill" like that with my birth parents or birth family? I constantly worry, and above all else in this world, don't want to do anything to offend them or make me not like me. I really need acceptance from them so badly and want to be close. I fear NOT being close, and drifting away. Losing them again because I care so deeply. Why am I not that way with my adoptive family? I feel sometimes I'm not fair to them because I know they'll always be there, but I find myself not going out of my way for them. They were the ones that were always there for me, when they weren't but some days I could care less. I could go weeks without talking to my parents, and a year or two without seeing my grandparents. The bond is just not there. Maybe that is what I am fearful of losing. I keep everyone at an arms length because I am afraid of letting people in. Most of the time I get hurt because in most cases people will let you down; either purposely or not it just happens. For some reason, I'm not afraid to let my birth family in, but I'm still freaked out they won't like me. I guess it's because when I met my bmom she totally backed away from me. I feel like our relationship distanced or fizzled. I still have the slight glimmer of hope that things will move forward. Is that stupid? Maybe...

Expectations

2006-05-02T20:31:00.000-07:00

I think any expectations we have can set us up for disaster whether it being good or bad. When one gets married, most of the time a woman expects that she can change her husband. She thinks or expects the man that once she marries him will all of the sudden become romantic when prior to that he wasn't, will help with the chores around the house or watch chick flicks with her, without rolling his eyes. (yah right) Then the husband expects that his wife won't ever gain weight or will have sex whenever he wants to....haha. I'm not married, but I was just trying to think of some funny examples about expectations in general. You can have certain expectations about an event, an expectation about a trip, a new friend you meet, a new job, a school and the list goes on and on. On every side of the adoption spectrum whether it be an adoptee, adoptive parent, or birthmother we all have expectations that unfortanetly I don't think anyone can live up to... good or bad. This is what I have had a hard time dealing with the most. My expectations of how my parents would react to me finding my birth parents, or more so how my birthmother would feel when I found her. I know when I was researching about reunion, much of the literature said to have some sort of expectation as far as what you want to get out of the reunion. I don't think anyone can truly be prepared for reunion at all because it is not just one event, it is a relationship that will eventually change over time. I think in life we just shouldn't have expectatations for anything because most of the time we get let down. It's sad, but true. Sometimes I feel as though I let my parents down. I'm sure they had so many expectations for me. I'm not saying I'm not a successful person. I have a steady job that pays all of my bills and I'm in grad school, but I can't help but think I don't live up to what they wanted to be in their eyes. Then, I wonder do I live up to the expectations my birth parents envisioned me to be? It feels like a lot of pressure. I guess PRESSURE is the theme of my little own life. I've ALWAYS put pressure on myself. That is why I think if we stop expecting so much out of ourselves and each other and just go with the flow, things would be much easier and everyone would be happier in life. Take things as they come....much easier to say than to do!

Don't worry about the things you can't control

2006-04-24T21:44:00.000-07:00

I have to remind myself that it is a waste of energy everyday to worry about the things that are beyond my control. This goes for everything in my life. Once I've turned in a paper for school, I stress out about the grade. In my field as a mortgage loan officer, I worry about my clients being approved by the underwriter. When it comes to people in my life accepting me and liking me I worry... worry... worry... and want to CONTROL! When I was in my last bad relationship I wanted to know where my boyfriend was and wanted to know his friends. If I wasn't a part of it it worried me because I wanted to control it. I am such an absolute control freak. I do not like things being out of control at all. I like routine. If I don't get my routine I am crabby. Is this because of my adoption? I never saw the correlation before but after I've researched more, it makes sense. I just wish I didn't stress out so much and could take things as they come. That seems impossible to me. Ever since I was young I had a plan: Graduate college at 22, go to grad school, get married by 26, have babies by 28. Everything all had to go according to plan. Maybe that's because my life started out not being able to choose. Who's life really goes according to plan? Life is made up of all sorts of little surprises. A friend said to me last night if you want to make God laugh tell him about your plans. I haven't heard from my birthmom in a couple of weeks and this is when I get stressed out. I can send numerous e-mails but it doesn't make the response faster. Once I get an e-mail from her I feel a sense of relief until I write again and it turns into the waiting game all over again. I wonder if she thinks about me and analyzes our situation/relationship as much as I do. I don't think it's possible...ho hum....

Flashback

2006-04-21T20:35:00.000-07:00

It was March 2005, and my cell started ringing at approximately 10:30pm. I jumped, and my heart dropped because it was a (515) area code which only meant it was my friend calling with news about my birth mom. I was too scared to answer. I was frozen with fear. As my message light on my cell phone started blinking, my heart started palpitating and my hands started to sweat. I was really freaked out and I didn't know what to expect. I listened to the message she said, "Stacy, call me when you get this as soon as possible!"
I knew she had news. Good news? Bad news? I didn't know. So immediately I called her. The first thing she said was..."Well I know why you aren't having luck finding your birthmom"
I swear I thought she was going to say that she was dead. Then she said, "It was because I was looking for the wrong name. All along I had my birthdad's last name on my adoption paperwork which still baffles me. She said she talked to her mom, who knew my birthmom when she was pregnant with me. She went to a doctors appointment with her once. This is when reality set in that my birthmom was a real person and not just a figment of my imagination. She went on to say that she was a devout catholic so she didn't believe in abortion, she was very artsy, and she had big eyes. When she said she had big eyes, my heart stopped. One small part of my puzzle was complete. My big puppy-dog eyes have always been my trademark. Where did I get them from? I finally knew! She gave me her full name, and this is when my search began. I've covered most of the search in my other blogs, but right now I want to think back to the emotion I was feeling when it all began. As I sit here in the same spot where I wrote my original letter to my birthmom I remember exactly how I was feeling. Nervous, excited, curious, in shock, confused but more than anything I was plain obsessed and anxious. I was obsessed with the fact that I could be rejected. I was consumed with this feeling all the time which fed into my anxiety on a daily basis.

To Reject: To refuse to accept, submit to, believe, or make use of. To refuse to recognize or give affection to, or To discard as defective or useless; throw away.

Wow that sounds pretty harsh, but like I've said many times I want and need to be accepted. I'm not going to say the fact that I was adopted means that I feel as though I'm useless. As I have been reading Primal Wound there are many parts that I do not relate with. It says how many adoptees feel like they are only good enough as the losers and stoners and don't aspire to be anything. Maybe it's because I am a compliant adoptee or something, but I do want a lot for myself and for my family. In one of my first letters to my birth mom I told her I was all grown up. I don't need a mom anymore but this is what I do need in my life right now.

I need emotional support, I need someone that will not judge my imperfections, I need someone who will listen and empathize, I need someone to love me unconditionally, I need a mentor, I need a friend.

I hope someday this role will be fulfilled. I have faith that my goal of establishing that relationship someday will be accomplished. I'm going to keep being myself, and letting her know I love her. That's all I can do. I just hope I don't give up out of frustration and hurt.

Impact

2006-04-19T19:58:00.001-07:00

I haven't been feeling very insightful lately which is why I haven't been writing. Sometimes I don't want to think about the fact that I'm adopted. I just want things to go back to per se "normal" but that will never happen again. I will have to adapt to a new normal. Looking back at my life though I never thought adoption was a big part. I always thought I had a so-called easy life with caring parents. Everything my birthmom could have hoped for. I am on myspace and am reconnecting with old friends from my past. This is what my friend had to say. We haven't talked probably since 6th grade and this is what she remembered about me!

I saw your name and my first memory of you I have is a group of us went to the bathroom in 4th or 5th grade and someone said something about adoption, like it was a big secret. You were washing your hands and tipped your head back carelessly and were like "well I'm adopted." And we were all like ".....really?" And you're like "yeah, so?" And proceeded to dry your hands and walk out of the bathroom with such class :) Then whoever was the prima donna of the group (maybe that girl Valerie whose last name I can't remember but wore make up in the 5th grade!!!) goes "oh well I guess it's okay." But I just remember thinking "she doesn't care, why should we? It's not that big of a deal."

The first thing I find interesting about this comment is how brainwashed I was at the time growing up. I didn't actually understand what adoption was or meant. I understood I had a birthmom but I didn't understand at the time the ramifications this caused in my life. It's so funny how at the time growing up I thought it was "no big deal", but now when I found my birthmom and dad I realize just how emotional and what a BIG DEAL it is. In a way that bothers me that people DON'T think it's a big deal. I think my parents still think along the same lines as I did when I was a child. "eh, she is adopted" No big deal. She never knew her birthmom so what difference does it make? Well, it IS a big deal. It's a HUGE deal. The fact this happened to me made a huge impact on my life. It has changed the way I view relationships, the way I connect with people, and even how I see myself. It has affected my self-confidence, and also has increased my feelings that every person I care about is going to abandon me. I always need reassurance, and always have to know that people like me. I do not like rejection at all. It hurts me to my core. Even slight disagreements with people hurt me because I don't want to make anyone upset.

Secondly, what I find interesting about that comment was that apparantly adoption was a big enough deal where I brought it up all the time. It did affect me, and I think deep down it bothered me, but not actually on the surface. Not until later did I understand the significance and the fact I actually have another mother out there. To me, it was always a concept, but not a reality it my life. Now, it is a reality. Now I realize how big of a role the fact that I was adopted played in my life. I mean geez a girl I haven't talked to in over 15 years remembered I was adopted. I think that says something. It sure never was a secret when I was a kid... I wonder why it's such a taboo discussion with my parents and family now. Afterall, it DID happen to me. It's not a secret and it would be nice if someday SOMEONE in my family would acknowledge it. A Girl can dream, can't she?

What do I want? What do they want?

2006-04-09T09:29:00.000-07:00

Most days I feel like I'm a tight rope walker and I could lose my balance and focus any minute. I'm trying to keep everything in line and keep everyone happy...but this happiness doesn't include me. I feel like I'm the one that has to suffer so everyone else can be happy and comfortable. The thing is that I know what I think I want, but I don't know for sure. It's scary. I want to be close with my birth mom, but how close is too close? . When we first met, I thought it went so well, and was so comfortable and nice . I had a new job where I was making quite a bit of commissions and wanted to save up and take her and her kids (my sibs) to Disney world. Those were the thoughts that were going on in my head. I was thinking about how I would balance Christmas with my family and the holidays with her. I was brainstorming as to what I would buy my half-siblings. Well....we haven't talked on the phone since September so I really don't see any of that happening anytime soon. I think a lot of the reason we don't talk on the phone because it is still nerve wracking. I talked to Chuck-daddy on Wednesday and although it was a nice conversation, it doesn't feel as "safe" as the computer. I think this is how my birth mom feels. There are so many days though that I want to just type her up an e-mail whenever I have a thought and wish we could e-mail back and forth throughout the day. Nothing big, I don't need drama in my life- or thought provoking chatter basically I just want to see how her day is going. So when it comes to my birthmom I don't think I could get too close to her. Then, I think when I feel Chuck-daddy is crossing my boundaries I start getting a sick feeling in my stomach. I wonder why? Is it because I have a good relationship with my dad and I feel disloyal to him? My first gut instinct felt the same way. I was really freaked out. I liked him and thought he was a nice person, but at the same time it was this weird gut feeling. It's really hard to explain. Maybe it's because I've always yearned for my birth mom and not him. My heart was always receptive to finding her. She sent me a picture of the two of us in reunion and I framed it and put it in a picture frame that had "mom" on it but when he sent me a card stating I was his daughter I got upset. I guess we never really talked about what I prefer to be called and he just started calling me his daughter. Before I found him, he said people would ask if he had a daughter and he would say yes. That is just strange to me that everyone knew about me and I had no idea. I just wonder if the tables were turned and if my birthmom found me. How would I feel? I am trying to put myself into her shoes. If I was found I probably would be freaked out, but I would slowly warm up to the idea. So...I don't want to bombard her. I decided to protect myself I am going to give her as much as she gives me. I really wanted to spoil her for her birthday, but she didn't acknowledge me at X-mas time so I didn't. I just don't want to shower her with attention and love if she's going to feel uncomfortable about it and unappreciative. That is a rejection to me, and it hurts. I don't want to chase her away, and I think I easily could. Then I think to myself, what if I get what I want. We have a great relationship, I meet my sibling, and extended family what do I tell my parents? If they would just be supportive things would be much more easy. I'm constantly living a lie I feel like or an alternative life. Which one is real? They are both so different. The world I've always known is gone. When it comes down to it, all of us in our worlds including adoptive parents, adoptees, and birth parents- the common demoninator is that we all want and need love.

People just don't get it.

2006-04-08T12:20:00.000-07:00

After all I have been through this year: The shock, confusion, grief, sadness, and fear I wouldn't change it for the world. I guess I am full of a lot of complaining lately on here just because I don't like to complain a lot to my girlfriends. I was talking to my co-worker the other day about how I think I found my cousin's birthmom! I am so excited for her. My coworker is not very sensitive about this issue, and says some things that she just doesn't understand. For starters, she said You would want to put her through everything you went through already? Well if I had the choice to do this all over again I would do it in a heartbeat. It's been rough, but with anything in life that is such a huge change- ie: moving, having babies, getting married, graduating there is a time to grieve and adjust to your new life. How could I NOT do it or search? That's what I wanted to say. For me, it wasn't an option I had to find my birth mom and I knew I would someday. She was/is a part of me and always will be. It is true as it is with many people that I gave up many times and thought I would forever but I really believe everything happens in the right timing.

So anyways, I did some poking around on the internet and I think I might have found my cousins birth mom. Honestly, maybe a small part of me is doing it for selfish reasons too because I want to be able to experience this with someone I am close to. To be able to talk about our feelings because she is in my same family. She will understand. The other part of me is VERY happy for her, and I hope it turns out for the best. I feel in my heart that it will. Another thing my coworker said that really pissed me off was she thinks my parents shouldn't have told me I was adopted so I wouldn't have to go through all of this grief. Do people really think this way? Wow! I was just in shock. She thought what I didn't know wouldn't hurt me. Well, it just would have magnified my sense of NOT belonging and I would have thought something was wrong with me growing up. Why don't I fit? Why don't I look like anyone in my family? I can't even imagine. It was like acting as though my birth family doesn't matter, they don't really exist and I am not a part of them. It really hurt me actually. I am who I am partly because of my birth mom and Chuck-daddy. I think a lot of people are affect by the environment a great deal, but I think I inherited more of my traits from my birth family than my a-parents. I used to think the other way around. I just think the ignorance of people sometimes is frustrating. Many more bad things would have come out of my parents not being honest with me, so I am very thankful they were truthful about this.. Most people just don't understand, do they? Ugh!

I wanna throw up

2006-04-06T19:14:00.000-07:00

I know this is a weird title, but this is how I feel. This journey sometimes makes me want to throw up. That's how I've handled my anxiety lately. I didn't think it had to do anything about meeting my birth parents until I really started to think about it. Honestly, I thought my anxiety came from my stressful job, but I have stress in my life all the time. Since I was 5 years old I've been a little stress ball. I've been doing great lately when it comes to managing my anxiety then I talked to Chuck-Daddy on Wednesday. All of the sudden, I've been light headed at work, and feel like I'm going to throw up if something the least little bit stressful happens. I feel like I want to throw my hands up in the air and quit my job. I just can't do it! I can't concentrate. I can't problem solve ARRRGHH!!!!! This is very unlike me, and I hate this feeling more than anything. I am a person who thrives on stress. I know that might sound odd, but although my heart is thumping and I don't know what I'm going to do in the moment, I sorta like being stressed out. Not lately though. It makes me really sad because Chuck-daddy is a great guy, but I feel this whole experience is a source of my stress. I want to be healthy and take care of myself, and I really don't want to back away from him but I hate this feeling. Maybe if I keep blogging and letting it out it will help me. I hope so. So I think to myself, what is causing worry? Well, the fact that I am being tugged in many different directions and am supposed to wear many different hats in my life. It's incredibly exhausting. Sometimes its to the point that I don't really know who I am. I've lost myself. I want to be close to both of my birth parents, but at the same time there are boundaries. Chuck doesn't seem to think there are any. I'm plugged into his family as if nothing happened in the past. He's just my dad and that's how it is. But the fact is he gave up his rights to parent me and the fact that he is trying to take on that role bugs me. He's getting all the perks, but he never raised me. I think it's because my dad took care of me, and still does. He did all the dad things that they are supposed to do. He is very unselfish and works around my schedule as well as I work around his. I always have to call Chuck and it's always at a convenient time for him. My birth grandmother passed away, and I made sure he was OK (it was his mom) but he didn't check in with me to see how I was coping with the loss. That is what a dad does. If he was my "dad" he would make an effort to come down to Texas to visit me, or call me, but he doesn't so I don't think he really has the right of that title. That might sound insensitive, but everything is on his terms. It makes me angry, because he could have fought for me, but he didn't. It makes me angry that my parents don't want to learn about this part of my life. It makes frustrated that most people can't understand what the hell I'm going through and I can't articulate it to others. It makes me scared that my life will never be normal again and I will always be anxious, and feel like I never truly belong anywhere.

Letter from birthmommy!

2006-04-02T22:29:00.000-07:00

Well, my birthmom was the first person to officially wish me a happy birthday! I was so happy that she remembered and acknowledged my day. It was a very sweet letter, but I don't think I should post it just because I want to respect her privacy. I have been getting a lot of comments lately that I should be honest with my bmom so I decided to respond back to her e-mail letter her know how I really feel. (good things not bad) I didn't want to lay it on too think...but since I have to go to bed now...I will just cop out and copy and paste tonight! Good night!

As I am sitting here staring at the computer screen, I find it difficult to find the right words to express how I feel. So, I will talk straight from my heart because that is what I am best at. How do I say, "thank you" to you? There is no way that I can fully express my gratitude for everything you have done for me both past and present. Not only for giving me life, wanting the best for me, but for accepting me into your life. You are an amazing woman!! I admire you so much and I am so proud of you! I am constantly impressed by how you manage your life, and how much you accomplish every single day. It seems impossible to me.

Thank you for not turning your back on me and allowing me to receive the love that I need from you. I've always felt that missing piece, but ever since you have come back into my life I feel a sense of peace, and fulfillment. You really have shown me what is important and I am so glad that I took the risk that I did in reconnecting with you. The beginning of our journey was scary beyond belief, and sometimes it still is. I have moments I feel insecure, need reassurance, feel like I'm losing my mind (just kidding about that one) but, I have grown so much throughout this process and I am thankful that you have been there to support me, and give loving advice along the way. Everything that you say to me, I cherish and carry with me. I know that you have put a great deal of thought behind it, and really care. That means a lot to me...probably more than you realize.

Please know that you are a very special part of my life and always will be. Although I was raised by other people, no one could ever replace you. Thank you so much for the picture! I loved it so much, and I'm glad I have something to remember such a wonderful night. I know you probably went to a great effort to get that developed, but you made my day very special. Of course I save all of your e-mails! I have a folder just for you that is titled "hot mama" and ever so often I'll go back and read what you have written me over the year. Knowing you has brought so much clarity and happiness into my life. I know this probably hasn't been easy for you. Just know that you are loved, respected and cherished. Thanks for letting me be my true self! In your very first e-mail to me you mentioned that it was in God's plan that I was raised by adoptive parents. I have no doubt that it was in His plan for us to meet again. I'm just glad we did! Hope you have a safe trip to Oregon. I hope you are able to relax and not worry too much. I love you.

With love and gratitude,
Sweetie-Pie

Another birthday...

2006-04-01T22:40:00.000-08:00

It's April 2nd and my 26th birthday is officially tomorrow. For some reason around my birthday I always start to reminisce or think about the things that I haven't accomplished yet.(eg: getting married, having kids, buying a house) This birthday is an interesting one because it's the anniversary that I found my birth mom. I remember last year exactly at this time, I had written my birthmom my first letter, and sent it to her work e-mail, March 31rst. I hadn't heard anything back for a couple of days, and I felt scared, anxious, nervous and guilty. Scared, anxious and nervous because I thought she wouldn't want anything to do with me. Guilty, because of the search itself, and my aparents had no idea what I was doing

That Saturday night, I went out to eat with my aparents and the whole time I kept thinking about my birthmom. Wondering what she thinking, if she would write and what she was doing. Tonight, was no exception. On a lighter note, I had a great night with my aparents, my boyfriend Chris and my aunt and uncle. We went out to Benihana's where they cook all the food in front of you and flip it up in the air for entertainment. For some reason lately I have been thinking about my birth parents constantly. You would think after a year it might settle down, right? Well it definitely comes in waves and I have noticed myself wishing I could be around them during holidays mostly. Chuck-daddy said he sent me a present in the mail which I thought was really sweet. I was surprised being a guy that he thought to send me something. I honestly thought he would forget, so I feel special he remembered me! We used to talk weekly on the phone, and now I haven't talked to him on the phone since January. We e-mail 3-4 times a week, which I think is a lot so for the most part I feel secure, but I just miss him and wish he was sharing my birthday with me. Since he was there on my very first birthday it seems appropriate. I really feel like he's my family. We have a special song, "My girl" and there was a wedding reception going on tonight and they played that song. I felt like for some reason it was a sign. I'm not sure what the sign was, but it just made me miss him and think about him and how much I appreciate him in my life. He really is an amazing person and we have a wonderful connection that I would honestly be lost without.

As many of you know my aparents are in town, and my amom came to clean my apartment for the week, because it wasn't the way she liked it. She is very obsessive compulsive to say the least. I must say, it is nice but I know it's going to be impossible to maintain the way she has it. I almost cried today and this is absolutely ridiculous I know-- but she was going through all my stuff. My birthmom had given me a bouquet of flowers the first time we met and around the vase she had these cute multi colored ribbons. I liked it because it reminded me of how artistic and creative she was. I kept them around the vase because I wanted to keep everything she gave me. My amom threw the ribbons away. I know it's a really trivial thing, but to me it was a memory. Something tangible that I had in my house to remind me of my birth mom. I got really upset, but I couldn't tell my amom why and just acted like it was no big deal but I felt really sad. I guess this birthday go around is the same as last year, because now I am hoping my birth mom will acknowledge the day. After all, she did last year so I am hoping she will at least send me a quick e-mail letting me know she's thinking of me. I just know how I am and if I don't hear from her I will be sad. I'm scared I will not. When will this feeling of insecurity go away? I wish I didn't have it, but I need so much reassurance. I have many more thoughts especially since I haven't written all week, but it's getting late and it's daylight savings time so I better get in bed. All in all I survived the visit with minor annoyances here and there. I would say not having to do any laundry tomorrow could be worth some of the annoying lectures I got this week. More to come tomorrow.

Kill Me Now

2006-03-27T19:56:00.000-08:00

This sounds really bad...but my amom is coming into town to stay with me for a week and I am going to completely lose it. She invited herself to come up here to "clean" my apartment. We live very different lives and my life-- I'm sorry, does not revolve around keeping my apartment sparkling clean. It's not disgusting or anything but just not spotlessly clean like my mother likes it. I have a full plate with working 50 hours a week and grad school. This adds another dimension of stress. For me, this is not very good timing. I am processing all of these emotions and won't have time to get anything out because she is constantly going to be around. I am used to living by myself and doing my own thing. To make matters worse, she is going to go through all of my private things and that just makes me feel really uncomfortable. I feel like I have to hide all of my gifts from my birth parents because it will hurt her feelings. I have to hide one of the biggest things that is going on in my life right now because I feel guilty. Why do I have to feel guilty? It just really isn't fair. So...just like my life has always been I have to put on that fake face for a full week! OMG. My birthday is on Monday and always a bad time of year. I hate my birthday and now it's going to be even worse because my mom will be here all week and then my dad is coming in on Friday to stay over too. I really think by the time they leave I could be on the brink of an anxiety breakdown. You know why? Because I can't be MYSELF. It drives me crazy. I think it is different than normal tense mother daughter relationships. I am literally a different person. I can not take my mask off around them. Ordinarily I'm funny, outgoing with my friends, goofy, philisophical, opinionated-- With my a parents I am very reserved, serious, quiet and indifferent. I don't liked to be touched or show too much emotion. When I cry though, they don't acknowledge anyway and say I'm being overly dramatic or a baby. Soo....I guess this is my last entry for a while. Hopefully I will make it out alive. I am really worried. Hopefully *crossing my fingers* it will turn out to be a bonding experience for us two. Well, if you knew my mom, you know that wouldn't be the case. I'm gonna die....

Primal Wound

2006-03-23T19:17:00.000-08:00

By the advice of many I have decided to start reading, "Primal Wound." For those of you who don't know, it's focus is on adoptees and the affect adoption has had on their whole life. Wow, this book really hit me between the eyes! One part of the book that I'd like to talk about this evening is the fact that adoption is not just a concept- It's not something that we discuss, but it's something that actually happened to me and it's a part of my history. To me, this is the denial part I was talking about earlier. It's not that I denied I was adopted, but I really didn't start getting it until now. This day in my life really happened. I looked in my birth mom's eyes 25 (almost 26 years ago) Just because I don't remember it, doesn't mean it didn't happen. Most importantly, it DOESN'T mean that it didn't have a profound impact on my life and how I interact today with people. My birthmother below talks about the day I was born. A part of my history:

"We had about an hour with you to be able to say good-bye, wish you a happy life, hold you, and tell you that we loved you. Those moments are seared in my memory forever. I remember whoever was "in charge" of that visit with you was very nervous, and did not want me to have that time to say good-bye. I think they were afraid I was going to change my mind if I had time with the baby, and nothing was signed yet. Well you can only imagine what I was feeling. It is not even possible to put it into words. I remember just looking and looking at you in total awe -- you were so beautiful! You were perfectly peaceful the whole time, eyes wide open, just looking back. Amazing. If I ever saw the face of an angel it was then. "

She knows my history. She was there for the most important day of MY life. Simply put, this also makes me really sad. My life has not been peaceful. My life has been full of worry, fear and anxiety. The main fear I have is being left by people. Wow, that sounds so cliche' coming from an adoptee, but man it is so true! Fear that I did something wrong or someone is mad at me. I always need reassurance, and I always feel insecure. Deep down, it's because I was abandoned. The first moments of my life I didn't feel safe or sure. I had to adapt to my environment and start depending on my a-mom to keep me alive, but I never bonded with her; just became dependent. I have taken many child development classes and the thing I find most interesting is that babies have the same temperment throughout life. My birthmom said I was peaceful, probably because I was with my mommy. I didn't know what was to come. I felt safe, and comforted by the person I knew and bonded with. On the otherhand, my a-mom said that I was the most colicky baby ever and I would not stop crying. She said it was acid reflux...I say I missed my mom. Where did she go? Did she ever think of that? I don't think people give babies enough credit. I think in adoption most people think you can just replace the bio-mother if a baby is raised in a healthy, warm family environment then everything will turn out great. Everyone wins, right? The fact of the matter is no matter what my a-mom had done, she couldn't replace my bio-mom. Thinking about the fact that I was placed with strangers (who are not strangers anymore) makes me really upset. It's weird to feel upset for me because it's ME. I'm not one to focus on me a lot, I try to focus on other people and help them. The point "Primal wound" made was the fact that something significant did happen in my life that changed me. For instance, if a 3 year old was sexually molested and didn't remember it, does it mean they won't be profoundly affected by that incident. This is the same. People can try to cover everything up all they want, but I now know why I'm so independent, why I like being in control of everything, why I'm always worried. The adoption. I have to be honest, I really miss my b-mom, and I don't even know her that well. How can you miss someone you don't barely know? I guess I can't explain that, but from the first day we started writing I wanted a hug. We talked about going on trips together and I pray that day will happen. Where we can be honest with each other, heal together, and be ourselves together. That is my ultimate goal. I want a relationship with both my mothers. I think now that I am learning more about myself I will be emotionally available in the future and be able to receieve the love I need from my a-parents. Maybe someday I'll actually like my birthday and be able to celebrate my life, and the fact I'm reunited with my bio-mom. I hope that day comes soon and I am able to work through the pain that occurred so long ago.

I can see the rainbow through the rain

2006-03-20T19:47:00.000-08:00

Focus on the positive in life, this should be my mantra. Lately, I feel like I've been throwing a little pity party for myself. Things could be worse, couldn't they? I'm not saying I shouldn't express my feelings about my process, but it hasn't been all bad and I don't want to give off that impression. It's been a PROCESS and I am taking the good and bad that come with it. Like all things in life, you gotta take a risk every once in a while, and I'm glad I did. The following quote is from my birth mom and I have it printed out at work. I try to read it every day:

"May today there be peace within. May you trust your highest power that
you are exactly where you are meant to be. May you not forget the
infinite possibilities that are born of faith. May you use those gifts that
you have received, and pass on the love that has been given to you....
May you be content knowing you are a child of God.... Let this presence
settle into your bones, and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance,
praise and love. It is there for each and every one of you." ~St.
Therese

This quote really gives me peace. I really cherish it, because I think she is such an intelligent person. Everything she writes me, I can tell she has put a lot of thought behind it, and that's what I appreciate. . Although I want to be closer with my birth mom, I have really wonderful relationships that I have established. Of course most of the time, I've been writing about my grievances, but there are some very positive things I have gained as well:

1) understanding myself better as a person
2) Knowing I have a whole other extended family that accepts me for who I am.
3) Realizing miracles really do happen
4) Developing a closer relationship with God
5) Finding out I have three fabulous siblings I hope to meet someday
6) Perserverance: I know i can overcome anything - my feelings of grief and insecurity
7) Feeling truly loved
8) Having a bond with someone I never knew existed
9) Learning that I really have solid, true friends to listen to me and count on
10) I made my lifelong dream a reality!

Sometimes I have to pinch myself that I really do know my birth parents now. It's a relief! Finally no more wondering, no more mysteries. Who are they? Where did I get my sense of humor, my singing voice? I now know! Has it been scary? Hell YES! Has it been rocky? Of course! Has it been worth it? OMG YES in every way!

"The darkness is passing away, and true light is already shining." 1 John 2:8

The Truth

2006-03-19T14:35:00.000-08:00

It's really hard to express the way that I feel. For starters, I'm tired. I'm tired of smiling. That sounds bad doesn't it? Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not tired of being happy. I love smiling, laughing and joking around. I'm just sick of having to be fake with everyone to keep everyone happy. It gets really old. I guess it just seems easier to act happy, because if people were constantly asking, "What's wrong?" That would get tiring too. At work, I'm known as the "giggle-box." Most of the time people percieve me as a happy, bubbly, even perky (ugh I hate that word) person on the outside. Since most of my time is consumed at work, I feel as though half of my life (more so) I have to be fake. I have to be fake with my birth mom. Just like everyone else, I have to act as though I'm happy when I'm really not. I don't want her to feel guilty or make her feel bad about giving me up. I have to say, "Wow what you did was a noble thing and I had the best life ever!" I want to protect her, and let her know she made a good choice. I want to let her know I am grateful for what she did, which I am (to a certain extent)...but the truth of the matter is, I am hurt, and I am grieving. I am grieving for the life that I never had the opportunity to have. I am grieving because deep down I feel as though we'll never have the chance to have a motherly/daughterly bond that I so desperately need. I try to be close with my mom a-mom, but it just doesn't work. Bottom line is that I really want love from her, but most of all I want a close relationship. I just feel like something is missing. I just wish she really wanted to get to know me for the woman I am today. I want to be able to share our feelings- Our true feelings...not just the feelings that I think she wants to hear and vice versa. That is when a true, deep relationship has been established. I can't force it, and I'm not going to try. It's hard to be the one who wants more. It's hard to be the one who compromises what they really need. At least I have something, and for now I guess that's what I'll have to savor. I'll leave on this note: This was an excerpt from the first letter she shared with me. In a way this gives me some sort of peace. ”.

"Every child is wanted by someone. You were meant to have the life you were given for a very specific reason, and the fact that it was adoptive parents who raised you was all just part of God’s plan. I hope you will be edified to know that there were never any other options considered. Life indeed is a gift, and I sense that you understand that."

Life indeed is a gift, and that's what I need to focus on. At the same time, I want to be truthful and focus on what I think is real and honest as well. Finding each other after 25 years was also part of God's plan. I wonder what else is in store? Time will tell.

The pink elephant in the room

2006-03-18T13:22:00.000-08:00

Obesity, homosexuality, retardation, are all qualities that some people would say, "They are different" I am using that term very loosely here. I, not being a super skinny woman myself can understand the obesity judgement and not fitting into the mainstream of society. The reason I started thinking about all of this today was because a family member came out of the closet today. I have no problem with this whatsoever because I try my best to be accepting and as open minded as possible. I think diversity is what makes this world go round today and actually makes it more interesting. If we were all the same, we would get bored. Although there will always be stereotypes and judgements - that's just human nature, I try my best to listen with a whole heart and not pass a negative judgement agaisnt someone just because they choose to live an alternative lifestyle. So, all of this got me thinking which I have done a lot of lately. Adoption is very similar except in some cases it can be worse because of the "taboo" that is placed on closed adoption as if it didn't happen. Gay people have a choice of coming out of the closet and living a certain lifestyle with their partners openly and honestly. I'm not saying it's easy, and I could never say I understand, but once they come out, there is really no way to ignore it. They do have a choice to come out or not. They could hide behind a facade if they choose to, but once they come out it's OUT THERE. Now, in my case I'm adopted...everyone KNOWS I'm adopted, but they sorta choose to ignore this little fact. On all sides of the triad, except Chuck-daddy everyone chooses to ignore this maybe not ignore but avoid. Why? I feel like my real life deep down is hidden. Obesity you can't hide, mental retardation you can't hide, a gay lifestyle you can't hide unless you choose not to come out, but adoption is like this pink elephant in the room that no one wants to talk about. For instance, at X-mas time my family and I were watching the news and a story about adoption came on. I felt very awkward and frozen as if I didn't know what to say. If we had been open about talking about this subject my whole life I'd feel like its something nice to relate to. Or another example both of my birth parents went to Iowa state, and there was an Iowa state football game on, but there was no mention of them even though my adopted parents knew that is where they went to school. I feel like if my parents had been open with me from the very start and talked about my birth family, my life would have been so much easier to deal with. It would be so much easier to talk about things- everything. Sex, drugs, friends, life in general. I'm not saying I agree with open adoption, I don't really know what I agree with. I think adoption is just confusing for everyone. It just seems as if in most families it's this taboo thing, and I don't really understand why it has to be. It's obvious my adopted mother didn't give birth to me. It's obvious I do not look like my parents. Why is it so hard to talk about? So, I guess for me it's like I am a closested gay person wanting to be acknowledged for who I really am. I know I'm adopted, but am not allowed to talk about my feelings for fear of hurting my parents and I will be closeted my whole life.

Spring Break

2006-03-16T21:21:00.000-08:00

Well,I guess it's not really a real break for me. I sure miss college! I'm in graduate school and did get a WHOLE day off from school,(woo hoo) but that just meant I worked extra hours at work. Lately I have been surprised by myself, because I knew I had a lot to say about adoption but all of the sudden all of these thoughts just started coming to me and I became flooded with emotions. It has been a very exhausting, emotional week but I feel like I am getting it out. I appreciate all of the comments and support. I really feel like some people understand these feelings and it's great to have a place to express it where I know people are nodding their heads with understanding rather than just empathy. Although my emotions run deep, my reunion experience has been something I am thankful for and have learned a lot from. One thing I wish I was better at was being honest with my birth mom. I just don't want to step on any toes, or scare her away. I feel like if I tell her exactly what I need she'll think I am unstable and clingy. Like I have said before, because of my fear of abandonment many times I can come on too strong. I have grown in many ways, but I am just a very emotional passionate person. We have been corresponding for about a year now, since my birthday on April 3rd. I had no idea where our reunion would go or even if we would meet in person. Things started out slow, which I was thankful for because I was so scared. We wrote e-mails back and forth weekly and I would get very excited whenever I received something from her. It would seriously consume my day. I could spend hours on one e-mail and it would pages and pages worth. I really feel like we connected through our writing. I also feel like everything happens for a reason and this is when I receieved a wedding invitation from my friend in VA (where my birth mother lives) This was an excuse to go out there and reunite. She was receptive towards it, and I really wasn't surprised and I felt as if our relationship was moving forward. She even said she was ready to move forward with our relationship. Then, it was like something clicked and she backed off a lot. She is very busy, and has told me from the very beginning she has a full life, but it still makes me feel that when she met me something freaked her out about me. I'm not sure if I should be more patient or what I should do. The fact that our relationship has hit a plateau is frustrating. I really would like to meet my extended family, and am scared I'll never have the opportunity. That goes back to the sense of belonging. I know I'll never belong totally belong but meeting more family members lets me understand more about myself. I was surprised when I met Chuck-Daddy's mom I was so much like her. I invest a lot on my relationships. I am the type of person that has a few really good friends, but not a lot of acquaintances because I put so much energy towards deep relationships and maintaining them. So its hard to have an e-mail relationship every once in a while with someone I want to know so badly. It hurts sometimes, and I'm hoping someday she will be open to moving our relationship in the direction I want it to go. Sorry this is such a weak post tonight. It's been an exhausting week.

What came first - The Chicken or the egg?

2006-03-14T19:09:00.000-08:00

I don't belong. This is the reoccuring theme of my life. Acceptance, this is what I need. More than anything, I want to belong somewhere, feel complete and feel as though I fit in this world. I guess most people think and feel this to a certain extent, but I do feel as though adoptees feel that to the core of their being. Their own flesh and blood gave them to someone else to raise. Peering in at my life from the outside, people would say I am so lucky! Heck, when I was a child, my parents gave me everything I ever could have imagined. I had my own toy room for goodness sake and every barbie accessory invented. (The advantages of being an only child) At the time, I thought it was a benefit, and something to brag about, but looking back I really feel as though my parents were overcompensating for something and in turn was a liability to me. I feel as though my parents don't know me, and I don't know what has made me built up this wall towards them. It started somewhere...so which came first? I don't know when this wall got built up because when I was growing up I never thought much about adoption at all. So I think to myself, did I just shut my parents out because they weren't my biological parents, or did my parents not accept me fully because I wasn't their biological child...or was it a little of both? These are questions to ponder. I know many people say well, a family is made up of all sorts of different people. Step families are very common these days, and many people only have one parent. So perhaps I'm throwing a pity party for myself. I just feel as though my situation is much different than someone having an absent father all their life. At least most people have pictures, or they once knew their parent. I, on the other hand had a piece of paper that had medical information and the rest was fantasy. Which got me thinking, if I constantly fantasized about my birth parents, did my parents have a fantasy child that I did not live up to be? See, my dad is an engineer, a control freak, a numbers "in the box" type guy. My mom is a nurse, a germaphobic, neat, clean freak that is all about an orderly, perfect outward appearance. Sure, I fit that mold when I was young, but then I became real. I couldn't be a stepford wife. My mom would make sure I was in the cutest little outfits with perfect matching socks and bows... I would have the best manners to impress people. I think that is also the people pleaser in me because I didn't want my parents to dislike me or other people. I wanted to conform to their rules because I didn't want to rock any boats, and in a way I am still like that to this day seeking their approval. As I got older however, I stopped caring as much about what people thought of me. If they liked me for me, Great! If they didn't, then it was their loss. I don't know if the approval seeking will ever end with my parents though. One unique characteristic about me is that I am very musically inclined. I do feel that is somewhat of an innate gift. I've always had rhythm and I love to sing. You would think that this would be a positive quality, but in my family this is something that made me stick out like a sore thumb. There is not one person in my family on both my mom and dad's side that plays a musical instrument, dances or sings. At family functions, they would always make me perform and when I was young it didn't bother me, but now it makes me feel different as if I don't belong. It makes me feel like their little "circus freak" that they take around to show off to people about "what she can do" As I process my emotions through my journey I wonder what I should or what I'm willing to change. If I could make things better, how could I do so? It's hard to be myself around my parents because I have put on a facade for so long. I am starting to think that because of the relationship I will never have with my birth mom its something that I need to pursue to become a fully healthy individual but it's so hard. I think all my life I pushed them away thinking that someday I would reunite with my parents and I would just BELONG. Really, it just added another dimension of NOT belonging though. I feel as though I am stuck in the middle. I don't fully fit in with my adopted parents because I don't act like them, don't have the same facial characteristics, or same interests. I don't fit in with my birth families because I am the "new kid on the block" and we can't totally be let our hair down with each other. I guess this is why I want to start a family of my own so much. To have a sense of belonging. I am scared about having children. I can say I've never felt a close bond with anyone accept maybe Chuck-daddy, but I've only met him once. The other thing I ponder is the fact that my A-dad tries to hug me all the time and I feel so uncomfortable. I always have. Right when I met Chuck I didn't want to let go, and really the same goes with Jan. That was a really strange feeling, hugging a "stranger" but feeling more of a connection with them then I've felt in my whole life. Nature vs nuture is an interesting debate. As I go along with my processing, I really do feel like adoption might not be the right answer for everyone. I think with some children it might not matter, but for me it has left a permanent scar, one that I don't know if it will ever be healed. My feelings are difficult to articulate tonight so I guess I will ponder on this a little later.

Now What?

2006-03-13T19:32:00.000-08:00

Christmas-time! What a wonderful time of year! The carols, hot chocolate, pretty lights. It just seems as if people are more cheery that time of year. It's just something about the Christmas air. You have a whole month to lead up to the holiday and even still at 25, I still feel a little bit of giddiness! What does Christmas have to do with adoption? Well, it doesn't entirely - but the feelings involved are the same to me. The day after Christmas, I always get very sad. Maybe not sad, but let down. After all the lead up of spending time with family and friends, all the excitement and exhiliration of buying the perfect gift for someone, all the planning and expectations... and then the day after...it's over. Almost as if it didn't really happen. It's back to normal life, and the grind of work. Everyone puts away their X-mas trees, lights and new presents. This is how I felt after my reunion. Now many people don't know this feeling yet because they haven't experienced reunion. I've visited many adoption sites and they always say, "let the rollar coaster begin" I thought to myself, "yah right" I am a stable person, I always have been. Actually I am getting my masters right now in marital and family therapy. I thought I could handle everything. Well...I lived I suppose, but it was a rough couple of months. I met my birthmom Sept 4, 2005 and the visit went great! Four days later I was on a plane to meet my birthdad...that went wonderful as well. So what went wrong? I'm not really sure to be honest. Once I arrived back in Dallas after my trips, my best friend Amanda picked me up from the airport. She was the first one to see me and I told her I felt a sense of peace within because of my reunion. She noticed it as well. For the first time, I felt whole and loved by so many people. I guess with my birthmom I had all these fantasies because our visit went so well, and I wanted her to like me. I started thinking in my head about the trips we would plan together, eventually meeting my half brothers and sister, having holidays together. I just thought that was going to be the relationship we would have. That was my take on things. Well, after I got back from my trip I didn't hear from Jan for about a month. This devastated me. I didn't know what I had done, and I felt so insecure. I know I have an insecurity problem, and all of my life that has turned people off. I have got better, but I know I probably can come off as clingy. I am non-confrontational. I kept sending her nice e-mails, and then I felt as though I was just being a pest. I felt as though everything changed and I didn't know if it was because we met in person and she was ashamed of me or what. To this day, I still do not know. After the reunion, I asked her so now, what? We're still in limbo. I still don't know. That's the honest truth. It's almost like we have a half relationship. We correspond through e-mail about once a month now. Because of this I became very depressed and it affected my work. I quit my job, and all I wanted to do was sleep. I felt like a complete and utter failure in life which was totally unlike me. I was definitely at my breaking point. For a month I cried everyday, and before I left for work I threw up every morning. My parents were very worried about me because they thought my job was too much. Did they ever stop to think that maybe it was because I have found my birthparents? Of course the didn't ask about that. I too, thought it was because of the anxiety I felt at my job, but I think it was from my overwhelming feelings. I felt rejection from my birth mom which was the worst rejection of my life and my worst fear. As time marched on I started to accept the fact I wouldn't be able to have as deep of a relationship I wanted with my birth mother. I guess I am OK with it now. In the back of my mind I still feel like eventually she'll let her family know, and tell my half-siblings. I have wonderful relationships with men, but was never able to form that bonding relationship with a woman. My mom and I butt heads. We are just completely different from each other. Originally I thought I didn't want a relationship with my birthmom , but that's before I got to know her. I think she is a magnificent woman. I look up to her more than anything and I try more for her than anyone else. I know that I take my parents for granted because they've always been there, and that's why I don't try. Not that it's a good excuse, but it's just the truth. I don't think she realizes I am a different person with her than I am with my parents. It takes a lot of effort for me to be totally vulnerable because I have had my walls up my whole life. Although I have felt safe, I've always hid from who I am really am, probably because I didn't fully understand who I was because I didn't fit my parent's mold. I finally let someone see me, but they don't have enough time for me. Maybe I am expecting too much, but I know what I want, and know what I need and I can't help or change the way I feel.

The Rents

2006-03-12T16:22:00.000-08:00

When I was a young girl I always thought I was "special" and "unique" because I was adopted. In class, when teachers asked us to introduce ourselves to a partner in class, and tell them one interesting fact about yourself that is usually what I would say. People would say, "Wow! That's so cool. Do you want to meet your birth mom?" I really didn't give it much thought back then, and I can tell you I never thought in a million years I would have ever met my birth parents in person. I thought in a way, they were a figment of my imagination. Some kids wish they were adopted because their family was so weird or so mean..I wish that I hadn't been adopted. They were a fantasy that I built up that when I found my mom she would be so excited, jump up and down and welcome me into her family. Good Ole Chuck-daddy did that, but not her.

Now, in one of my first blogs I mentioned that not every post is going to be happy. Not every part of my journey has been easy. There have been many complications, with twists and turns. In fact, I had to go to therapy for a couple of weeks because of this experience. I feel such a loyalty for my parents, and also such guilt about being curious about where I came from. For an adoptee I just don't think it's fair! It's not our fault, but we're the ones who always have to feel the guilt for a decision that was made for us! People don't understand how much they take their genetic parents for granted because they are always there. They look like SOMEONE, most likely they act like SOMEBODY in their family too. My dad has actually been really open and honest always wanting to talk to me if I had any questions.

In college, they knew I was interested in information on my birth parents and instead of sitting down and talking to me, they visited my apartment and dropped off a magazine that had come to their house. Inside the magazine was my adoption paper work. They never once said one thing about it afterwards. The message that came across to me was that they felt too awkward to talk about it or maybe they wanted to pretend it wasn't happening. The other thing that angered me was the fact that they assumed all I wanted was medical information. Well...that's what I thought I wanted too, but the underlying reason I think many adoptees search is a need to connect, or to fill the void that is there in all of us. I am friends with other adoptees that just never want to search. I do not think there is anything wrong with that, but I think the only reason they do not is

A)Not wanting to hurt their parents
B)Underlying anger towards their birthparents
C)Fear
D)Denial

I was in denial, although I didn't think I was. I don't think it's so much Denial that I was adopted, but I know after I found my birth parents, it became REAL that my parents I grew up with really aren't my "real" parents. It felt like my whole life was fabricated, and not authentic. I know some people get offended by that term "real parents" but that is how I look at it. For me, it really turned my world upside down. Once I decided to search, I didn't tell my parents right away. The search was so sucessful, and went so quickly I wasn't sure HOW to tell them. I decided to write them a letter because they never allowed me to discuss this with them openly and honestly. I actually got the idea from an adoption website and changed words here and there but I thought it was a great starting point. Here it is:

Dear Mom and Dad,

I love you. Thank you for everything you have done for me throughout my life. I need your help and understanding today. After a lot of thought and soul searching, I have decided to search for my biological past. I debated long and hard about this decision. The desire to search is not meant to hurt or reject you. This is not spiteful. You have been there for me since I was born. YOU are my parents. No one could ever take that away.
However, there is a need to find out where I came from, to see someone who looks like me, and know someone that has my talents. If we do not turn our backs to one another, there is a chance that we can become closer.
It is difficult to explain why an adoptee suddenly has a need to search. Each person and each circumstance is different. For some, it might be due to a health condition, while for others, it might be the thought of having children of their own without knowing what they might be facing. For me, it comes down to finding that missing piece that I left in the hospital 25 years ago.
A search is draining, with a lot of time and energy. Luckily, I was able to find both of my biological parents very easily through background checks at my job. The two things that I really need from my parents are support and understanding. I am not asking for money or time, just a continuation of the love that helped me turn into the person I am today.
The two of you have been there for me from the start. When my search is complete, I doubt that all my questions will be answered or the gaps in my soul will be totally filled. You were there for me when I had the chicken pox and strep throat. Please let me know that you will be there this time, no matter what the outcome.
You wiped my tears when I was hurt. Please say that you are alright with this. You will walk me down the aisle when I get married. Walk with me now, into my past. You chose to bring me into your home with love and compassion. Please stand with me when I seek where I came from to better understand who I am today.
This is the toughest decision I have ever made. I love you and do not wish to harm you. Please, do not turn your back on me. You probably do not understand why I am doing this. Neither do I, but I must. My journey will be lonelier if I had to walk this road by myself. I just thought you should know. Thank you for everything you have done for me and if you have any questions let me know.

Your Loving Daughter,
Stacy

My dad, being the good guy he is responded right away. This was his response:

Good morning Stacy, your Mom and I will love you forever. You are our
daughter and that will never change! I am not surprised you want to do
this,you have become a beautiful independent lady. I will talk with Mom
this morning, she always calls me when she gets home from work about 8am. I
do not want this to change anything between us and I look forward to
walking you down the aisle one day! When you asked about this several years
ago I thought we left you with a copy of the information that we were given.
If that will help and you do not have copies let us know. and we can get
you copies again. Your biological parents were attending Iowa State University in Ames, IA."Wife C" had a cousin who helped girls who found themselves pregnant and
that was the connection that brought us together. Stacy, regardless of
how this might turn out we will be here for you! You might need to give
Mom a little time, but you need to know she loves you so much. You can
not know how much it hurt her when we moved to Houston and left you in
Dallas. She have been so lonely!!

Not sure if we will be able to call you today but Mom is off tonight so we
will try to call then for sure.

We love you Stacy
Dad and Mom

Yes it was sweet that he wrote, and a sense of relief for me, but they never called me that night. You might need to give mom a little time? I'm sorry what the hell does that mean? Isn't she the adult and shouldn't they be there with me in my journey? I guess not. It has never been discussed since this letter. My mom has not once acknowledged the fact and this makes me feel as though they are not taking this seriously and are not willing to take into consideration how I feel. I feel I have to worry about them and their feelings and my thoughts are left aside. I am also a people pleaser and am being tugged in different directions. I think about my wedding day, how I know it would be empty without my birth parents there. I know Chuck would come, I don't know about Jan. So the difficult part of my process was compartmentilizing these different part of my life. Since Chuck was hurt by Jan he doesn't like that I bring my experience up with him. My parents won't talk about it at all. My friends listen, but they don't understand. So it is frustrating. Some people give their opinion, about how it's wrong to search and what did my parents ever do wrong to me? NOTHING! That's what people don't get. To me it's the same as being raised by a step-parent all your life but never knowing a blood relative. There is a lack of connection. I've tried talking to other family members and reaching out but EVERY single one of them didn't seem to care less. It's very stange. They are either angry, or just don't think it's a big deal at all. To me, it's a HUGE deal. I just don't get it. Sorry this is such a long post. I guess I had quite a bit to say on this subject!!

Chuck-daddy!

2006-03-11T20:45:00.000-08:00

I must say this whole blog thing is very therapeutic for me. Usually when I first start a "blog" I get bogged down, so to speak because I feel as though I don't have anything very deep to share. I guess when it comes to the adoption topic I could write pages and pages worth. This whole experience has pretty much consumed my life for the past year. It's always been there below the surface, but after I found my birth parents it was the central focal point for most of my waking moments. Well, since so far I have elaborated quite a bit about my birth mother I would like to share my story about my birth dad. I call him "Chuck-daddy." The reason being is his name is Chuck, and he is just funny and said, "you know puff-daddy, well you can call me Chuck-Daddy" It just stuck. Well, like I mentioned in my earlier blog, I never really wanted to meet my birth dad. In a way, I guess this was a blessing in disguise because I had no expectations whatsoever about him. Well, I did but they were all negative ones. So if something good was to come out of it I would have been very surprised. I had been e-mailing Jan for about a month and finally I asked her about my birth dad. All along, I had his name on my adoption paper work my parents gave me, but I always thought it was her name. I found out from her and I's correspondence that she and Chuck had married briefly. In a way, that kind've upset me, because of the fact that if they were going to get married I wish they would have kept me. They did divorce and my parents are still happily married. I keep reminding myself that I am lucky, and I am where I am for a reason. She gave me his first and last name. I am a loan officer at a mortgage company so with his full name and I was guessing a location of where he lived we did a credit check. I believed I had found him!! I found a 46 year old male with the same name. It had to be him. It also showed he owned a company, and I found his company online with a picture of him! He looked EXACTLY like me. That's how easy it was to find him. I couldn't believe it. So, within 1 month I found both of my birthparents. I found them surprisingly easy so I really feel when it's meant to happen it just does. I am a strong believer in God, and I was glad to hear both of my birth parents are christians as well and I know God was the reason behind all of this. So, after I found his website AND his phone number along with his e-mail address I sent him a letter. I have done a lot of research about initial contact and basically what I've read is that the best way is to send a letter. I wrote him and just said that I was born on April 3, 1980..and I had reason to believe he was my birth father. He said he didn't read the whole letter he was so excited and he knew this day would come! This is what his e-mail back to me said.

"Stacy, I am so glad to hear from you. Please call me Chuck. I have looked and even hired a private investigator to find you. On April 3rd every year I would get real bummed out knowing you are out there and not knowing how your life was. I am just glad you are alive and well. Right now I am just trying to soak it all in! I think we need to talk on the phone. I would Love to meet you"

Within an hour of me writing him, he wrote me back. I couldn't believe it. The next day we talked on the phone, and I must say I was really freaked out. I wasn't sure what to do with all of this and all of this emotions thrown at me all at once! Here, my birth mother was somewhat reserved with first contact. She was nice, but very reserved and somewhat defensive. Chuck-daddy wears his heart on his sleeve. I am the same way, but it's hard for me to trust people and I very much fear rejection just like every stereotypical adoptee. I didn't want him to hurt me, and I had no idea if he would or not so I didn't want to get too close. The first thing we said to each other was

Me: Hi Chuck.
Him: Awww I always wondered what your voice sounded like!!! I think I'm going to cry, but I'm a guy and I'm not going to.

It was really cute. We talked for about an hour and then I had to go to work that morning. That Sunday we ended up talking on the phone for about 4 and a half hours. I've heard about this experience with many other adoptees in their blogs where they say they feel a connection right away, and just feel like they don't have to try or belong instantly. I feel that with Chuck. I feel like he accepts me for who I am. I can be goofy, sad, pissed, normal whatever... he accepts me and loves me unconditionally. I can say that even though I did wish I grew up with my birth parents like many adoptees do, just because it is natural, I am so thankful that I had the parents I did. My dad is my dad. He has taken care of me and loved me more than anyone ever could. He has taught me to be a responsible young woman. The only thing is, I just can't be ME I feel like...and that's what I can be with Chuck. It just came naturally. Ever since the day we connected we have almost e-mailed each other everyday. In addition, his side of the family has totally accepted me. His brother, sister and my cousins. It's really nice to feel loved and have similar personalities. I just find it interesting more than anything about the whole nature vs nurture debate. Our face to face contact went about the same...easy and natural. I flew to Iowa to meet him, and he was waiting for me at the airport. I was so nervous and I couldn't wait to get off the plane. I chatted it up with this dad who sat next to me and just prayed that he would keep talking and was hoping he could keep me entertained. (It didn't really work) When we landed, this was an airport where we came down an escalator and I saw him standing there. I knew it was him because in his business he has to wear a tux. How many people wear tuxes in airports? It was such an awkward moment when we first met. We hugged and then I was shaking like crazy and I dropped my purse. I am just so clumsy. This is when I felt a bit apprehensive because as it turned out I was going to be staying with him for 4 days at his house alone. This was quite a gamble, and many people said I shouldn't do it, but I just trust my gut when I go through certain situations. Most of the time I am right. If I had to do it all over again I might have got a hotel room, but afterall this was my dad. I thought I might go crazy because I don't like being around people for an extended period of time. I am an only child as well, and most of my childhood I spent by myself. But, I had such a great time there and was SO surprised. I got to meet my birth grandma (who passed away this January) I was very thankful for that experience. I just felt very close to him to where he knew I didn't like talking a lot in the morning. He knew when I needed a hug he really could read my mind. It was so weird. If I had that when I was growing up my life would have been so much different. Just someone to understand my feelings and emotions. I never had that before. When he took me to the airport to drop me off, I coudn't stop crying because I had finally met my father. I've always been a daddy's girl, but we shared such a special connection. As we were saying goodbye he grabbed my hand and squeezed it. Then he had to let it go. I must say that was much harder than I had anticipated it being. I miss him and can't wait to see him again! He is a very special person that holds a warm spot in my heart. Thanks for reading! This is an e-mail a received after I got home from the visit.

Hi when you get home go to bed and rest! I am all done with this day! For the record I cried when I left you all the way to the car and then some. I felt it was time to cut it off when I did because it felt so hard to let you go again! What a connection we have! I am here for you and I Love you very much! I miss you and so does punkin (that's his cat) hehe

Everything happens for a reason

2006-03-10T21:56:00.000-08:00

In continuing in my journey of reuniting with my birthparent I would like to chronicle how the search came about and why I decided to start searching seriously. I have always been very curious about finding my roots, and reconnecting with my first parents. Actually, I only was interested in finding my mother, because I had the whole fantasy in my head that my father got her pregnant and left her. I was always very angry with him without knowing the story at all. It's just one of those things I thought I knew the story but I didn't. More about that some other time. I have always since I was very young wanted to find my mother. I remember fantasizing about her especially when I would fight with my parents or feel as though we just didn't mesh. Well, when the internet came about I got really excited because I thought this was my chance to really start searching for information. Although I didn't have ANY information whatsoever and I didn't even know how to start searching. I always felt wrong for searching and worrying about hurting my A-parents. Starting at 18 is when I really started seriously searching which miraculously was when my father started looking for me too. He even hired a private investigator to come find me but didn't have any information on me either. I find this story so interesting on how it all fits together and I found both of them with such ease. This is how I know it was meant to happen. One day in college I was spending time with my cousin who slipped about a lead in finding my birthparents. This basically caused a lot of drama in my family and hurt my amother quite a bit so I put the searching on hold for a while. Many times I would think I was just going to give up, and then I would start again. My cousin mentioned something about my parent's family friend...but that is all I know. I will call them the "C" family. I gave up on my search for many years, and was preoccupied with college life, and working, socializing and friends. Well, about a year and a half ago Mr. C passed away which was my parent's best friend. He had a daughter I grew up with, and I had a feeling I needed to get her contact information and stay in touch because the "C" family had the missing link to my past. Since daughter C just lost her father I found it inappropriate to ask questions about my birth family right away so I waited a couple of months always keeping her e-mail close to me. Well, months later my best friend was pregnant and asked me if I had thought about starting the search over again, and I said I didn't know. Then, the same week another close friend brought it up as well. So...the real search began. First, I decided to hire a private investigator who was a real asshole and didn't do anything. I said I was using the internet to search and he said the internet was no good and I would not find ANYthing on there. This is a very sensitive subject and you want someone to treat you with empathy and be gentle with you. He was not. So, I decided to e-mail daughter C to see if she knew anything about my mother. She said she needed to check with her mom and within a day she had my mother full name!! I couldn't believe it. I was freaking out. I had my mother's full name and a background story about her. I found out she was catholic, and very strong in her religion. She went to a single woman's shelter which my parents paid for, and that my father wanted to have an abortion (which later I heard was not true) I found out she had big eyes, and large puppy dog eyes have always been my trademark. I couldn't believe I was this close into finding her. I became obsessed with searching and I just knew I would find her. The first website I went to was classmates.com. I knew what year she graduated high school and also where....she was listed on classmates with her maidan and her married name!! I couldn't believe how easy it was. Then, my next step was finding out where she lived to get her address. I had my other good friend helping me with the search and we had narrowed it down to three or four different states but that really didn't help us. My birthmother is from a very small town in Iowa so we decided to look up that last name in the small town. We ended up tracking down my grandfather!!! So I had my good friend's mom call and say that she was an old college friend on my birth mom and she was trying to track her down. Just like that, my grandfather gave her Jan's address and phone number! I had it, but I still didn't want to wait to get her address. This is the crazy part of the story. I had a feeling my mother was a teacher. I don't know why I felt that, I just had that sort of connection with her. My friend is from Northren Va where I grew up and went on the Fairfax County school's website, plugged in her name...and there she was! She was a teacher!! We got her e-mail and everything. That easy. Lastly, we wanted to make sure it was her so we made up a fake alumni e-mail address verifying that she went to the high school we were told and it was in fact her. I also found out I had three half-siblings!!! I couldn't believe it. It took me a couple days to write her a letter but I finally sent her my first letter on March 31, 2005. She responded back on my birthday. April 3 2005. I just find it incredible how all the puzzle pieces fit together so easily. I really feel as though the meeting was meant to be as in all happenings in life. Her and I have much more to learn about each other. I can't wait to get to know her better and I really hope I have the opportunity. Signing off for now...

Let me Introduce myself

2006-03-09T22:00:00.000-08:00

Hello there for all out there reading. I have changed the format of my blog and am focusing on my feelings about my recent reunion with my birth parents. This is a picture of me (the brunette) after the day I met my birth mother for the first time. I think my story is similar to many others I have read. My experience could have been better, and it also could have been worse. It just wasn't what I expected. I truley believe that miracles do happen and for me it was some sort of divine intervention. I wanted to take this space to chronicle my experience of my reunion so that way I could remember my feelings, emotions, highs and lows. Tonight I feel like talking about the day I reunited with Jan, my birthmom for the first time so I can focus on happy thoughts. Not to say, that every blog is going to focus on happy but tonight I feel like I will put my energy towards that. So here is my story...

It was labor day weekend and I was visiting my adoptive parents down in Houston, Texas for my A-dad's birthday. They knew that I had found Jan, because I did tell them but were not very open about talking about it. That weekend I was going to fly out to Virginia to meet her because my old best friend was getting married out there and it just so happened she lived in the same area I grew up in Virginia. (Another strange coincidence in our meeting) I had so many thoughts and feelings running through my head while I was down there in Houston. Guilt, shame, secrecy,...I felt like I was putting on a facade. Although after my initial meeting with Jan I realize for the most part my whole life was a facade, a sham, a fake picture perfect life with the perfect little house, things, the outside appearance was wonderful but as everyone knows things that "appear" perfect never seem to be. Sorta like Bree on Deperate Housewives. I did a lot of thinking that weekend and was very reflective. Of course my parents did not notice anything was different about me. Sunday September 4th I boarded a plane to Virginia where one of my good friends came to pick me up. I landed at 3:00pm and at 6:00pm I was going to meet the woman who gave birth to me. Even 6 months later, my heart still pounds and it seems so surreal. I always dreamed about meeting her but I never thought the day would come. I remember my hands shaking even getting off the plane. I called Jan about 4:30 to tell her I arrived. The only thing I remember asking her when she answered the phone was, "do you feel like you're going to puke?" She said that she had felt that way all day long. Tiffany, my friend I was staying with ended up leaving and let me be by myself. I sat in silence unable to do anything except stare at the clock. I called my boyfriend Chris back in Texas and started crying. I was so scared and nervous. My palms were sweating, and my head was swirling. I wondered if she would think I am too fat, or ugly. I hoped she would like me and accept me so much. All I wanted to do was impress her. My whole life I wanted to meet this woman, when most people know their mothers their whole life. This felt like it was the most important job interview of my life. Not very many emotions which was surprising but the most nerves I have ever felt in my life. Her car pulled in and I couldn't wait for her to come to the door so I came outside to meet her. There was no crying, no "Maury Povich" moment like everyone makes it out to seem. It was very civilized and nice. She showed up with Gerber daisies which are my favorite flowers and gave me a hug. Not a loving hug, sort of a "formal" hug. I think we are both really good at putting our walls up, and they were definitely up. We decided to go to the four seasons. It was a really weird feeling because I grew up in VA when I was 8-14. Right when she moved to VA I moved out of Va so we just barely crossed paths. She ended up teaching in the same school system I went to school. The thing I remember the most about the evening was the feeling of being proud with her. Just hanging out with my "mom" I can't do that with my A-mom. People kept asking what we were celebrating and she just said it was a very special night and that made me feel so good. We sat at a table and we ordered the same exact meal and drinks. That was weird too. We both like margaritas with extra salt. She then whipped out all of these meaningful gifts.

1) she got me a map so I didn't lose my way to her house
2) A pencil so I wouldn't forget to write her
3) a flashlight so I wouldn't get lost
4) chocolate covered strawberries that she made (which are my fave)
4) a photo album of her through the years

It was such a surreal experience and went so fast I couldn't even remember what we talked about. I just know I didn't want the night to end. It was an incredible four hours of my life. When we got back to my friend's house she gave me a long hug, and said she'll check her e-mail. I was on such a high that night that I couldn't sleep. It was one of the most important lovely days of my life!